In the early days of the Erie Medical Fantasy Football League, the Sports Page was used primarily as a tool to advertise for trades. It wasn't until former commissioner Mike Bell began publishing feature stories during the 1993 season that owners found the real reason they were involved in the game -- to talk trash on their fellow participants.

The first documented instance of smack talking appeared in the Sept. 14, 1993 issue (Volume 1, Number 2) when Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell (pictured right) said "To all you guys that think you can beat me, 'Up yer butt Jobu.'" Bell's comments, quite tame by today's standards, simply go to show that as the game of fantasy football has evolved, so has the art of talking trash on a given week's opponent. 

Commissioner Bell probably said it best back on Sept. 20, 1993 with the following comment: "In a league where talking trash is about as normal as a Bill Clinton tax hike, Kuratko is king. Keith is young and arrogant. He also has the uncanny ability to fall in a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose." 

While Keith Kuratko may have set the standard, numerous other owners have stepped up to the plate throughout the years to take their best shot at running smack. Included is a year-by-year account of the best talkers and the most colorful quotes from the 12 year history of the Erie League.

1993: 

"I respect Mr. (Dave) Bell but talk is cheap. When he gets a championship trophy he can talk to me." Keith Kuratko (pictured left), whose Punishers won the 1990 title, taking a shot at Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell, who is still title-less after 12 years.

"All I can say is Keithy better hope he beats me because I'll ride his ass like a kangaroo if I win. He's fucking doomed. We can all go see him in the insane asylum when I'm through with him." Paul Labonte, owner of the End Zone Boys, sending out a pre-game warning to Kuratko and his Punishers. Through the years, Labonte has won four of 10 meetings with Kuratko's clubs.

"I'm glad I beat him. I'd sure hate to be the team that loses to him. You know he's going to win one game." Kuratko, breathing a sigh of relief after his Punishers knocked off Labonte's End Zone Boys 54-43.

1994: 

"You know you have to be feared when your starters score more points than your opponent's entire roster." The first official comments made by Stormtroopers GM Storm Thomas, after his club hammered Dan Cisek's River Rats 114-73.

"I hope Captain Tripps had a past because they sure don't have a future as an undefeated team." Punishers owner Keith Kuratko, moments after his club knocked Matt Rzyczycki's Captain Tripps from the ranks of the unbeaten with a 62-60 overtime victory.

"That son-of-a-bitch has a lot of fucking nerve. The 'Plague' will take over and he'll be sorry he opened his damn mouth." The response one week later from Tripps GM Rzyczycki.

"Keith has the biggest fucking mouth. It's even bigger than his asshole. He's all hot air and he can't perform against the Assassins. Maybe I'll listen to him when he learns how to beat me." Former Assassins owner Mike Bell, reminding Kuratko and the rest of the league that he owns a 7-4 career mark against Kuratko's clubs.

"He held us down each year by drafting horrible players. I draft my own players and become a definite contender for the playoffs and fantasy bowl. What's that tell you?" Cosmic Monsters GM Brad Rzyczycki, commenting on his new found success, which he believes came only after dumping former co-owner Kirk Pavelich.

"Mike Bell is always saying how good he is and that the Punishers can't beat him. Well it seems to me that he's doing a lot of talking about leading a division when his team couldn't lead a whore to bed." Horsemen owner Joe Nunney, letting the league know what he thinks of the 3-5 Assassins and their GM Mike Bell.

"I don't know who this shit hole is but I hope he gets his dick out of Keith Kuratko's ass. He's not even on the all-time victory list. Once he gets on that, then he can talk." Bell's response to Nunney in the following week's Sports Page.

"He's a good commissioner but he's the worst GM in the history of the EFFL. It's hard to win when all you do is make bad trades." Keith Kuratko, who at the time had one title to his credit, slamming first-year commissioner Pavelich. Presently, Pavelich has two championships while Kuratko still has one.

1995: 

"Hey Mikey: Do you think maybe I can run your team this year? I think Keith is getting tired of having two teams in the same league." Cosmic Monsters GM Brad Rzycyzcki, in a pre-season publication, takes a shot at Hostile Omish owner Mike Kuratko.

"After six weeks I have the most fucking points in the league. You can all kiss my ass, trying to make it seem like I'm weak or something. I have the most points! I will go at least 11-1 and then I'll enter another fantasy league!" Callouses GM Jody Barth (pictured right), in his first public statement as a member of the Erie League, ranting about a feature story that reported his team to have played all opponents with a sub-.300 winning percentage.

"He's been around the league so long maybe he'll get lucky and win it all this year." Stormtroopers owner Storm Thomas, taking a shot at Dave Bell and the Bonecrushers. To date, Bell has still not won a title.

"The Donikers don't eat shit. They are shit!" The first published comments Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell made toward Donikers-DTL owner Sam Profio, published in the Nov. 28, 1995 Sports Page. The feud between the two continues to this day.

1996: 

"I never studied in Jones' World History class and still I passed. I never studied for fantasy football and still I kicked Jones' ass." Callouses owner Jody Barth, taking a shot for the first time at LTP GM Don Jones, Barth's high school social studies teacher.

"Lowest total points I have ever scored in a performance league. Highest scoring team I have ever seen! Largest margin of defeat ever? All I have to say is that as wretched and putrid all of the above is, I can take some consolation in that I am still not as bad as the lowly Bonecrushers!" Sam Profio, in the Sept. 25, 1996 Sports Page, after losing to Keith Kuratko's Atomic Punks 123-23.

1997: 

"At least Jones is winning in fantasy football because it's sure not happening on the high school field." Callouses GM Jody Barth, commenting on the fact that LTP owner Don Jones is off to a good fantasy football start, even if the team he is an assistant coach for -- the Twinsburg Tigers (1-4 record) -- isn't.

"He's the biggest shit-talking, exaggerating, self-righteous, ego-inflated, that's right-my-attitude-needs-adjusting bag of hot air I've ever played against. Every time I beat him I realize why I play this game every year. It's not how I play the game. It's IF I beat Keith Kuratko." Assassins owner Mike Bell, in an Oct. 8, 1997 Sports Page feature story.

"Until that guy wins a trophy he ain't squat as an owner. He should try to concentrate on one team. All his other teams (Bell plays in five different fantasy leagues) are hurting his potential." Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko, in an Oct. 22, 1997 Sports Page feature story.

"I kind of feel bad for Joe Nunney. He's sort of the stomping dog of the league. He does live in a make believe land though if he thinks his team is somewhat decent. I thought this was supposed to be his big year. Big year for what? Flopping?" Punks owner Kuratko, in an Oct. 22, 1997 Sports Page feature story.

"I must say I took extreme pleasure in beating the Donikers-DTL -- DOOMED TO LOSE!! I also get a big chubby when anyone beats the Shadow Bandits. By the way Paul, is your kid taller than you yet? He must be at least 4'5." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince takes shots at Donikers GM Sam Profio and Shadow Bandits owner Paul Labonte in a Nov. 5, 1997 Sports Page feature story.

"They say familiarity breeds contempt. If that is true then Dave and I have more respect for a child molestor than we do for each other. The real reason is because he brought fantasy football to us (at Great Lakes) and he brought me to the Erie League. So, when I started kicking his butt every year, a rivalry developed." Donikers-DTL owner Sam Profio (pictured left), explaining his long-time rivalry with Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell in a Nov. 12, 1997 Sports Page feature story.

"That pecker head. You would think he'd have a little more RESPECT for his mentor. Eventually I'm going to pound the dago into submission! I'm just setting him up right now." Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell's response to Profio in a Nov. 19, 1997 Sports Page feature story.

"Just like usual, the ones that run their mouths end up with their foot in it. What does the division championship mean? $0. I hope Jody is able to buy food with that small amount of success he had when things were not on the line. I hope he is enjoying the playoffs from the outside looking in." LTP owner Don Jones, one week after seeing Jody Barth's Callouses lose in the first round of the playoffs.

1998: 

"At least the question was answered early. Barth and Royer DID share the same brain." Bryan Vince (pictured right), Psychedelic B's, observing the week one losses suffered by both Jody Barth (Kardiac Kids) and Mike Royer (Wolverines). Barth and Royer combined to run last season's Callouses squad.

"Christ, will someone tell the SORRY Bandits that we're using the combined scoring system in this league!" Vince, commenting on the 87 point, two week output by Paul Labonte's Shadow Bandits.

"I'm going to start laying off LTP. What does (Jones) expect when he drafts a backup running back, a tight end, two secondary receivers, and a quarterback who spends more time on his back than a $2 whore?" Vince on the 1-4 start by Don Jones' LTP squad.

"What an asshole. The floating turds are all pissed off because I got a table scrap. He must think he owns the league. Four generations of inbreeding will do that. Well guess what? He's gonna trip on his dick big time and I'm gonna be there to kick sand in his face when it happens. Take that you shithead!!!" Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell in response to last week's comment by Profio (something about being a cocksucker).

"At least I have been to the mountain top, ONCE, to view the consistent losers in the valley. Those that have never experienced the thrill of winning a FANTASY BOWL, should not make fun of us who may be struggling at this given time. Oh yea that's right, The Kardiac Kids have never even smelled a fantasy bowl apperance. Do you think that is why you change your name every year, to hide your embarassment of consistent FAILURE?" Don Jones, LTP GM, responding to comments made in last week's Sports Page by Kardiac Kids owner Jody Barth. Barth's Kardiac Kids would go on to win the 1998 title, prompting him to change his team name to the Couch Potatoes.

1999: 

"By the way, LTP is 3-0. Everyone think real hard about what the difference is this year from last year." Don Jones, commenting on the fact that his 1998 club -- which finished the year 2-10 -- had Steve Suder as a co-owner. Suder has since moved on to operate his own franchise, the P.P. Brains.

"I respect Brad and I think a lot of people in the league respect 'Deuce.' Although, if he wants more respect maybe he should undergo an image change and start calling himself "Uno" because until then he will probably always finish in second place." Storm Thomas (pictured left), commenting on the fact that Brad Rzyczycki's Cosmic Monsters is one of only two teams in Erie League history to advance to the Fantasy Bowl twice -- and lose each time.

"The Morticians, what the hell was he thinking? Did he get a tube of K-Y Jelly with that trade or what, 'cause he got it right up the shitter! I thought he knew what he was doing. I thought wrong." Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko commenting on the trade made by Morticians GM Dave Mortland. Mortland traded Tim Brown to the Assassins for Warrick Dunn and Adrian Murrell, despite an earlier offer from Kuratko to trade Corey Dillon and Derrick Mayes for Brown.

"By time this season is over with I'll have more bitches than a frickin' animal shelter." Assassins GM Rob Pesicka after his squad rolled to its second victory of the season, 95-62 over Dave Mortland's Morticians.

"At some point the league must wake up and realize that Storm just makes those lame ass comments just to get some attention. We all know his team won't make us give him any." LTP GM Don Jones' response to the constant smack-running by Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas.

"GM Pesicka, pisshead, whatever the hell your name is. Listen up rookie, I know you probably think that drafting Brett Favre or Randy Moss is somekind of genius move that takes a lot of thought, but let me give you a little hint. It's not jack-off. The bowl is won by people like Stephen Davis and Warner. Besides, if it wasn't them two whipping your sorry ass's, it would have been Testeverde and Jamal Anderson. And by the way, until you win the bowl -- well that's thinking too high -- until you get in the playoffs, why don't keep that garbage talking thing you call a mouth shut." Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince, making a triumphant return to the Quotes of the Week after a long absence. 

"To the GM of Butt Chows: I hope your using some type of lubricant as much as you're taking it up the ASS!!" Jody Barth, commenting on the unsuccessful debut season for Butt Chows owner Brent Holsclaw.

"Vince, it's easy to take all of the credit when you are whipping everyone's ass over there in the All-American, but I'm sure if it was the other way around you would be blaming Nunney for drafting a horrible team." Keith Kuratko, when asked to comment on the unbelievable success of Vince's 8-1 Psychedelic B's squad. The B's have scored 877 points on the year, 131 more than the closest competitor.

"Sit, Stay, Heel, Sic'em, Lay Down, Roll Over, Good Boy, Good Shadow Bandit! Man, don't ya just love that Labonte? He's my auto "W." If only I could play him every week." Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell after his team defeated Paul Labonte's Shadow Bandits 77-67 last weekend. Bell's club is now 8-1 against Labonte's lifetime.

"Hey Barth, next time you have one of your literate friends read from the dictionary for you, have them pick up a copy of The Three Little Pigs. You may find the ending to be a surprise." A comment from Masons GM John Thiem, directed at Jody Barth. Barth said in last week's Sports Page: "The GM of the Masons constructed a well-built team, but the little pig huffed and puffed and blew his team apart."

"Who thought I would get this far? Not many.... Deuce: remember 'nice trade Ski'? Barth: If it is such a bad division why didn't you win it you block headed monkey ass!?!? Vince: If I get past LTP, your Lynn Swann comment may bite you in your candy ass." Polish Monarchs GM Mike Szydlowski taking some shots at those who doubted his abilities throughout the year.

"Nunney qualified twice for the final four?" LTP GM Don Jones upon learning that Joe Nunney's Black Diamond squad advanced to the finals of the Browns Conference. As mentioned here before, many owners also give Nunney the credit for building this year's Psychedelic B's dynasty in the All-American Conference.

2000: 

"I know fantasy football is all luck. Look at the winners the last two years." Brad Rzyczycki (pictured right), Cosmic Monsters GM, commenting on 1999 champion Mike Szydlowski and 1998 title winner Jody Barth.

"At least I have a championship under my belt. By the way, how is Mercyhurst football doing this year?" Mike Szydlowski, Polish Monarchs GM, responded to Brad Rzyczycki's Week Eight comments.  Rzyczycki, who is 0-2 in two Fantasy Bowl appearances, also coaches football at Mercyhurst College, a team that struggled in 2000.

"The record of Mercyhurst football isn't what it should be. We have lost some close games. I think we still have a better winning percentage than you ever had with Twinsburg's JV baseball team. I can accept criticism from someone who played football, but remember Ski, you played SOCCER! Go Mia Hamm!! By the way, what are you teaching the kids this week in school? How to comb your eyebrow?" Rzyczycki's response, one week later in the Sports Page.

"When I brought Profio to the Erie League, he didn't even know what a football was. I felt sorry for him so I let him win a few games so he wouldn't up and quit in the middle of a season and embarrass me. Now he thinks he knows everything. Well, it's time he took his rightful place in the league -- somewhere behind me -- way behind me! It's time to flush the turds!" Prior to Week Nine action, Dave Bell fired a shot at Donikers GM Sam Profio, a player he brought into the league back in 1995.

"As an owner in this league and a classroom leader he should be ashamed of himself. He drafted a shitty team so instead of taking responsibility for it, he is quitting and having a fire sale. The fact that he is a quitter is sad. I would rather have Bobby Knight, Darryl Strawberry, or Alan Iverson as a role model for my kids instead of his sorry quitting ass!" Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas, voicing his criticism for Don Jones' decision to hold a fire sale for his LTP squad.

"Storm's comments come from a guy with a long list of accomplishments!! If I could think of one I would list it! I respect his intelligence and he is probably correct in a lot of things he said. I discovered how intelligent he was when the last two years he has sent someone else to do his drafting. Remember the quote, 'The credit belongs to the man in the arena, not the critic on the outside looking in.' Next year use a thing called a phone so you can at least act like you had something to do with your team. By the way, keep up the good work trying to start that list of accomplishments." Jones' response in the following week's Sports Page.

"What the hell is the deal between Storm and D.J.?? Who the hell cares!! Why don't they just make a bet on whose dick is smaller!!" Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, commenting on the scheduled grudge match between LTP and the Gargoyles, a contest based on the outcomes of their Week 12 games.

2001: 

"When Keith walked through the door, I shit my pants, my heart stopped and I started to shake. Fear had entered my body." Jody Barth, Blockheads owner, commenting on the surprise return of Keith Kuratko and the Atomic Punks.

"Did Doomed To Lose (DTL) pick his dentures off the floor yet?? The B's took his weak ass jabs in the early games and just like Bernard Hopkins did to poor Tito, BAM, TKO in the 12th!!! I hope you got a refund on that Fantasy Camp you attended!" Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, after hammering Sam Profio and the Donikers, 106-95.

"Catch me if you can. This may be my only tough test of the year." Polish Monarchs owner Mike Szydlowski, prior to his Week Four matchup with Keith Kuratko's Atomic Punks.

"Not only have I caught Ski but I made his team my personal bitch. The Punks are treating the Monarchs like a red-headed step-child." Keith Kuratko's response, after drilling Szydlowski's Polish Monarchs, 98-39.

"Dave, too bad you have to start the year with a loss. Actually you are guaranteed two losses this year since you are in my division (and I mean MY division) and I own you. Grab my belt loop bitch!" Donikers-DTL owner Sam Profio after defeating Dave Bell and the Bonecrushers 104-84 in Week One. The win was Profio's sixth in seven chances against Bell.

"Hey DTL you pile of dogshit. You let that part time Psycho Bee bunch sting your ass. How's it feel to be tied with me Dick Head? If you think it feels bad now, wait till you're looking up my ass!!" Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell's response to Profio.

"Listen here LARDASS: You come into a big and predominantly the best fantasy football league in the country, saying you're going to leave as a champion?!? That is respectable but DO NOT THROW THE 'M' WORD AT ME. I'm sure you live in OHIO, you were probably born in OHIO. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES are #1 in this league. Where does 'M' get their recruits? OHIO! Believe that! I cannot help the fact that during their recruiting visits they throw whores and sluts at the players. So be careful before you end up with your head up your LARDASS.  Sincerely BLOCKHEADS." Blockheads GM Jody Barth objecting to the comments in Will Van Bibber's Lardass team page, where Columbus resident Van Bibber said: "My interest every year is watching Michigan beat Ohio State, in just about every sport that counts. Well I also like seeing Michigan State beat Ohio State."

"Personal: Living with my two guardian angels Grandma and fiance Kimberly, and one stupid ass drunk of a father in the attic who will defy science and live to be 100 years of age." Blockheads GM Jody Barth's personal comments on his team link.

"When are we going to get rid of that ugly stepchild - the other conference? None of them can play. The great droughts of the southwest last only five years. Their title drought has already lasted seven years." LTP GM Don Jones, commenting on the fact that the last Erie League Champion to come from the Browns Conference was the KingSalmons -- in 1993.

"Why is Pee Wee Thomas even going to turn in a lineup this week? His sad-sack team is a pure measure of his fantasy abilities - lame at best. We are going to run it up on PWT and the rest of the Gargoyles. This might be the biggest point difference in the Erie League History. You know that there is no love lost between PWT and me. Let the games begin." Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, prior to his team's 101-78 Week Six thumping of Storm Thomas and the Gargoyles.

"It looks like this years version of DJ and Storm is those two geezers in my league. Only instead of arguing over whose dick is smaller, they battle over who uses their case of Depends undergarments first." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince responding to the ongoing trash-talking war between Donikers-DTL owner Sam Profio and Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell.

"First, let me preface my statement by saying that I have the utmost respect for Mr. Damicone, both as a person and a business man. Listen old man, I don't believe that Toiletbound II would appreciate it too much if they knew you were trying to trade me somebody from their squad. I know that each year your birthday cake gets a little brighter and things begin to happen: you start eating dinner at 1:30 p.m., you go to bed at 4 p.m. only to lay there and watch re-runs of Gilligan's Island. Now you're forgetting who's on your fantasy team! At least if you were going to try and pull this, you could have offered me Terrell Owens!!  Pav, I think it is final. You can now change our name from the Browns Conference to the Geriatric Ward." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince (pictured above left), responding to Jim Damicone's offer to trade RB Lamar Smith -- even though Smith was still a member of Titlebound Two.

"This weekend, we came up with a big victory against an average club of overachievers that had everyone fooled by the hype. Too bad a season that started as a fairy tale will end in dire straits. Actually, the story of his season would make a great movie. I can see the title now, 'When luck turns the other cheek: The fall of DJ and LTP'" Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas, after his team's 100-52 victory ended Don Jones' and LTP's dreams of an unbeaten season.

"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DJ. Say it ain't so. I thought it was bad enough reading you and Deuce's pathetic prelude to your fantasy matchup. You know, the infamous 'Hide the Sausage' game? [Click here to read the Preview for the "Hide the Sausage Game"] Now you're coming with this, 'I'm only an injury away' shit. Do me and everyone else a favor -- let Tyler write your quotes, they gotta have a little more bite. I've been noticing the weight loss but I didn't know you had your nuts whacked to lose it." Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince, stating his belief that LTP GM Don Jones was once again being "too nice" with his Sports Page comments.

"Go ahead and make fun of me for being a Michigan fan. When it all comes down to it, I hope that you will eat shit when they beat the hell out of Ohio State. And this one will probably burn you, I am an Ohio State Graduate student. Oh, and by the way your team really sucks. In the other league that I am in the consolation Championship Game is for the Toilet Bowl Award and you know what your team is not even worthy of that type of an award. That would mean that you would have to actually win a game or two. The only type of award you might win is the "Shittiest Coach Award" for drafting such a terrible team." Lardass GM Will Van Bibber responds to Jody Barth's anti-Michigan remarks.

"Donikers, you are really not giving me a lot to work with. Your "A" game is definitely not the smack running part, but I guess there isn't a camp for that. I told you, bring you and your 'scary talented' team to the conference finals and then I will gladly take your disability check. Are your panties, oops, Depends getting in a bunch all over me?  I don't know if a can handle that. Oh, now I feel tears welling up. Someone pass me a tissue." B's GM Vince responding to Donikers-DTL owner Sam Profio's comment from a week ago in which Profio said: "I like people with a sense of humor, but I have made an exception in your case."

"I don't see myself making any trades with anyone, as no one really trusts me and all they want to do is fuck me up the ass - without the common courtesy of even using any lube." Atomic Punks owner Keith Kuratko commenting on his inability to make a trade with his new colleagues in the All-American Conference.

"Albino??? Vince are you really Italian??? Oh, I see, that is just dirt you greasy stir-fried linguine eating feck. Why don't you stick a canoli in to play running back? It wouldn't hurt your score, cause you can't get any worse than zero. Nice lineup -- Warrick Dunn and Doug Chapman. This isn't golf. The lowest score doesn't win." Gibby's GM Jason Gillespie, one week after Bryan Vince called him the Erie League's "first Albino owner."

"As my son found his skinny, no nuts, pussy father in the corner crying because his feelings were hurt by the insensitive comments of Bryan Vince, he leaned down and said, 'Daddy, Bryan's life has been one clusterfuck after another for a number of years now so let him have his one moment at our expense. By the way, quote me as saying, Fuck Him!!'" LTP owner Don Jones, responding to earlier comments by Bryan Vince.

"In response to the Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince not understanding the 'high level smack' that the Doniker's DTL and Titlebound Two have dished his way, I will try to make this as easy to understand as possible for Bryan. Vince - your team sucks. Our team is better than your team. Our team has a better record than yours. Our team beat your team in week #7 because we scored more points than you. You will notice that I didn't use over a two syllable word in discussing this. I hope I didn't talk over his head. Must be tough going through life with a 3rd grade mentality." Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, responding to Bryan Vince's recent criticism that teams like the Donikers and Titlebound resort to smack talking that is "too intellectual." 

"Who?? I've got your who! Oh...I forgot...that big 46 point week entitles you to run mouth about having a shitty team for another week. It seems that by your standards, 46 points is a big week so you'll probably mouth off about it anyway. You've had one good week all season!!!  Three of your four wins are against teams that are 2 and 5!! I've wasted too much time already responding to your weak ass! I just hope that I get to play you in the playoffs -- if you make it." Stonehenge GM Jamie Roush, responding angrily to Bryan Vince's admission that he didn't know who the owner of Stonehenge was. 

"Man, even with your picture on the Sports Page I still don't know who the hell you are. Hey Stonepenis!  Where is your weak smack talking ass now?  You open your hole and promptly lose two in a row.  And you hope to play me in the playoffs.  Be careful what you wish for!!  I'm just not quite sure what's worse, your low scoring squad or your squeamish attempt to run smack. You were better off just being an unknown." Vince's response to Roush's comments. 

"Going through life with my mentality is sort of tough, but I feel bad for you. It must be very disheartening going through your life with some other dude's penis in your hand. I gotta say one thing though. At least me and my '3rd' grade mentality can run my own fantasy team and I even won a title and a lot of money doing it. How about that!" Vince, responding to last week's comments from Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney when Harney said Vince has been "going through life with a third grade mentality."

"Lardass, I have never met you nor do I personally care to. As a police officer we are not supposed to profile civilians. I will make an exception in your case. Looking at your mug shot, I see that you are a multi-state offender for having sex with farm animals you freakin' REDNECK. A Tickle Me Elmo hat? How and the hell is anyone going to take you seriously? I know Ohio State taught you better than that. I know that you own a pickup truck with a gun rack in the back window. I know that your dog licks the peanut butter off your balls and that when you go hunting you're not hunting you're looking to pump Bambi in the ass!  My two favorite teams are Ohio State and whoever the fuck beats Michigan. Eat that shit burger Lardass!" Blockheads GM Jody Barth resumes his war of words with Lardass owner Will Van Bibber.

"The pickup, you are correct somewhat. Down here in Columbus, we call them TAHOE's, no gun rack. That is formed from two words, TA meaning "my" and HOE meaning "bitch." See, even auto manufacturers have a sense of humor because they even named a car after you and I bought one especially because of it. You know what that means -- that's correct you're my bitch." Van Bibber's response.

"I feel I must respond to the Bonecrushers unsolicited (Bryan, this means I didn't ask for it.) and groundless (Bryan, this means he can't prove it) attack on my integrity (Bryan, this means that I am a standup guy.)" Profio said. "However, I just can't bring myself to pain him any further after yet another defeat by the dominating Donikers. I have owned him for so long, my belt loop has a sign on it that says: RESERVED FOR THE BONECRUSHING BELT LOOP BITCHES." Donikers-DTL GM Sam Profio, shooting directly at Bonecrushers owner Dave Bell and indirectly at Bryan Vince and the Psychedelic B's.

"Don't worry Pigs. A lot of new owners have a rough first year and then bounce back to own the league. For example, look at the Shadow Bandits. (4-6 this year, 57-78 career). Well, maybe not. You can always look to the PP Brains (1-9 this year, 13-25 career) or the Rat Bastards (2-8 this year, 3-20 career). Oh, never mind. Who's up for contraction?" Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince, after defeating John Blust and the Dirty Pigs.

"Two final comments. First, I thought that Jody was the name of a girl. Oh, that's right, I forgot you are one of those iffy cops that like to do full body cavity searches because that is the only play you can get because the last piece of ass you got was when your finger broke through the toilet paper this morning. Second, simply GO MICHIGAN!" More comments from Lardass GM Will Van Bibber, directed toward Blockheads owner Jody Barth.

"Dear Dogshit: Well congratulations on your big win. You fucking did it to me again. It's just fucking unbelievable. You put in a rookie running back who just happens to have a career night against the probable Super Bowl representative from the AFC. Even you must know how absolutely fucking blind you are. You should sell everything, move to Vegas and put it all on the table.You will surpass Bill Gates as the world's wealthiest man in no time. Do it. Go now, before you reach in the hat and find the rabbit is gone!" Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell, who still can't believe his team blew a big lead and lost to Profio's Donikers 112-96 last week.

"I need to put this out there. I wasn't going to say anything but I feel that I must. The day before the trade deadline I got a call from Bryan Vince. He talked about making a trade. Here is what he offered: Rich Gannon, Warrick Done and the world's best blowjob for Terrell Owens. He said that he liked to 'Spruce things Up' while doing trades. I guess a couple of years ago back in 96 when his B's won it all, Vince told me his ass was sore for months after the championship. He said he made so many deals in order to 'Get the best team' and that sacrifices had to be made!" Titlebound Two co-owner J.P. Dougherty, responding to last week's comments by Vince that it must be disheartening to go through life "with some other dude's penis in your hand."

"Stonesuck: League entry fee $100. Transactions and trades $15. Trading away your franchise quarterback and screwing up your entire season: PRICELESS!! Hey Stonebrain, it's not all bad though. Now I won't say 'Who?' in reference to you. You are now known as 'The idiot who traded away Kurt Warner for a jock strap and a blocking dummy.'" B's GM Vince, pointing out that Roush and Stonehenge's recent bad luck corresponds with the late October trade that sent QB Kurt Warner and TE Bubba Franks to Titlebound Two for QB Jay Fiedler and RB Lamar Smith.

"First of all, that feeble attempt at smack could not have been any further from the truth. There is not an owner in the league, especially an owner who was in first place, that would trade his franchise player. Wait a minute, that one owner did. What the hell is his name?? Never mind, maybe it will come to me tonight when my better half is rubbing my 'STONEhenge' 8====>. You were sort of correct in one sense. If I were ever to become a 'switch hitter' and play for the 'pink' team, you two flamers would be my first call. I mean, why not get an expert's opinion on how to give another male the 'world's perfect blowjob!!'" Vince again, responding to last week's comments by Titlebound Two co-owner J.P. Dougherty in which Dougherty hinted that Vince has homosexual tendencies and likes to "spruce things up" while making trade offers.

"I now have a moratorium on ever running smack on the Bonesuckers. That freaken' old dude is averaging almost 83 points a game and is 3-9. Plus, anyone that can consistently call Dick Too Limp (Donikers-DTL) a 'pile of dogshit' is O.K. in my book. By the way Sam, you ought to thank me for not digging into your retirement fund. At last count, the B's have outscored your squad in five of the eight games since you proposed the bet. It's a good thing I have a special place in my heart for the elderly." Vince again, giving props to Dave Bell and the Bonecrushers.

"I've racked my brain over it all week. What is the sense of co-owning a team? I don't think anyone has ever won a championship as a co-owner. One guy is always deadweight. For Pav, it was Brad. For Jones, it was Suder. JP, it's obvious that you are the brains of the outfit. Harney is just hanging around riding your coattails. You don't need him. Look at the history of the league and when the season is over I hope you take the steps necessary to get rid of the deadweight." Storm Thomas, providing his two cents on the idea of co-ownership to Titlebound Two GM's J.P. Dougherty and Brett Harney.

"In response to the Gargoyles statement that I am riding the coattails of JP - the answer is yes. The Browns owners allowed JP to come in and exploit the draft. Meter Maid (Bryan Vince, police officer) this means JP came, saw, and took the best players in the draft right under your nose. Thomas - this is the second season I have been involved with you and in both cases you measure up to the typical L.A. football team - invisible!" Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, responding to the above comments.

"We should all model ourselves after Double K's success story. Tell me something DJ, after you made that 'feel good comment of the year,' did you wine and dine him or just take him to the front seat of your Cherry Red Fiero and let him tea bag you?? Maybe you should change your name to a symbol, you know, just like Prince did. You could be the 'owner formerly known as DJ' and your symbol could be (I) !! (Oh, sorry, since the Toiletbound Polesmokers have never seen one, that is a pussy. Oh, sorry again Sam, that would be Vagina.)" Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, paraphrasing the comment by LTP owner Don Jones in last week's Keith Kuratko feature story. 

"I must be Vinny's unknown mentor. All he has on his team are the guys I drafted weeks before (the Browns Conference) draft. Now he is picking up the guys I drop (Huntley). I guess the best form of flattery is insult. I wonder if I took my balls out of the jar, if he'd take his finger out of his ass and do his own research instead of waiting for me to make some moves." LTP owner Don Jones' response to the above comments. 

"You know, I was reading your bio. 'No kids that you know of.' I have to believe that if your dog Porter has not given you a beautiful litter of puppies, then you pretty safe. 'No wife.' I also have to believe that the Tickle Me Elmo hat has something to do with that. Did Porter get you that last Christmas or did you buy it to impress the little boys at the Elementary School!" Vince takes a shot at Lardass GM Will Van Bibber. 

"Van Bobber, start bobbing on my nut sack. I am going to try to make this as painless as possible.
Step #1.  View the ass on your monitor.
Step #2.  Press your lips together and pucker.
Step #3.  Lean forward in your chair.
Step #4.  Line up your lips to the ass on the monitor.
Step #5.  Gently press your lips against the monitor.

YOU JUST KISSED THE ASS OF AN OHIO STATE BUCKEYE FAN!  GO BLOW!" Jody Barth's special instructions for Lardass GM Will Van Bibber. 

"You freaken' bastard. My team is on fire, averaging 98.1 points during my current four game winning streak and all you can talk about is my smack. I know I'm the smack daddy but give my team some freaken' credit. In Volume 9, Issue 8 of the Sports Page you wrote 'Considering my team's recent play on the field, that award (king of smack) looks to be the only honor Vince's squad will be in line for come season's end.' You fucker, you can kick me when I'm down but give me no props when I rebound. I make this stupid league amusing and you shit on me." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, doing some pre-playoff venting in an e-mail to commissioner Kirk Pavelich. Vince was apparently upset that the only credit he received in last week's Sports Page was for his unique ability to talk trash, not for the recent play of his team. 

"Sorry Vince. I guess I didn't notice you had averaged 98.1 points over the last four weeks. It sort of paled in comparison to the Midnight Vigilantes averaging 107.5 over the same stretch." Commissioner Kirk Pavelich, also the owner of the Midnight Vigilantes, responding to the above comments.

"Congrats to all playoff winners except LTP. Sure, I came up 14 points short of the playoffs but it is truly a black eye for the league when the top seed loses to a non-playoff team in a grudge match. It now seems that those rumors about DJ tanking games to avoid me in the first round may have been true. My grudge match dominance proves that he DID have reason to be afraid. His comments about me drafting Vince's team are simply the ramblings of irrationality. My starting lineup featured seven of eight players acquired AFTER draft day. Maybe he should clue in a little bit." Black Diamond GM Joe Nunney, after his club defeated Don Jones and top-seeded LTP in an unofficial grudge match.

"What is with Joe and his moral victories? Is he going to spend his entire life playing and coaching in games that have no real meaning? I will end the year with just about my same line up as I started because on draft day I was prepared. I hope next year he gets in the fantasy baseball league so these petty 'I'm looking for a moral victory' games can end." LTP GM Don Jones' response.

"Storm is correct. 'Overachievers.' However, it took the dumbass genius to end LTP's season. But at least I was playing for something after week 10. Yes, I know that Storm is playing in the 'I suck so therefore let's have another playoff' championship game, but I personally would rather have taken a shot at the big time than play in the LOSER's Tournament. Please take a page out of Bud Selig's book and use contraction to get rid of the Rat Bastards and the PP Brains. Then again, who would that leave for Storm to beat?" LTP GM Don Jones, responding to previous comments from Gargoyles owner Storm Thomas -- a participant in this week's Consolation Title Game -- that LTP is a "team of overachievers."

"I agree with Vinny. Yes he was the best smack talker of the year but he should have been given the PROPS for how well his team was playing at the end of the year. Sometimes we all misunderstand Vinny's sensitive side. He cares, he listens, he is concerned with others feelings, he puts great thought into his lineup each week.  Let's all forget the stupid ass things he said all year and appreciate the good fantasy player he is." Jones again, commenting on Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince's "lack of respect" tirade in last week's Sports Page.

"Profio won't beat the Vigilantes - he should talk to Deuce about what it is like to come in second place again, and again, and again, and again." Gargoyles owner Storm Thomas, winner of the 2001 Consolation Bowl, commenting on Sam Profio's Fantasy Bowl chances while taking a shot at Cosmic Monsters GM Brad Rzyczycki.

"I like to keep things professional and above board. I don't believe in belittling (Bryan, this means to degrade someone or thing) my opponent or in name-calling. In other words, I would never say that you limped in or were lucky to even get in the playoffs. I would never say that your team would have difficulty competing in an on-line Toilet Bowl for 12-year-old girls. And, I would certainly never even consider saying anything like your team is so weak my guys are considering this game a bye and will use it to rest up for the big show. I would never say any of that stuff." The transcript of an e-mail sent by Donikers GM Sam Profio to Jamie Roush, prior to the Donikers 108-63 victory over Roush's Stonehenge club.

"Pav, I did not lose! The Buffalo Bills lost because they did not review the Peerless Price play and in turn, I got the shaft too. For you owners out there, Peerless Price clearly caught a touchdown pass in the corner of the end zone but of course, the officiating sucks and they ruled him out of bounds. Who do you think was more pissed, the Browns fans or me? Shit! Throw beer bottles? Fuck that! When I found out I lost, I threw the first thing in sight - my fucking cat and then I beat the old lady, then I shot my .40 caliber at some beer cans that belonged to my alcoholic father while they were on top of his fucking dome." The transcript of an e-mail sent by Blockheads GM Jody Barth after learning that he had lost by three points to Kirk Pavelich and the Midnight Vigilantes.