Erie owners fire parting shots

2001 Season will be known for many memorable quotes

In the Erie League's 12 years of existence, the ability to talk a good game has always been a prerequisite to ownership. (See THE EVOLUTION OF SMACK TALKING feature).

Heading into the year, commissioner Kirk Pavelich predicted the 2001 season would exceed all expectations when it came to trash talking. Pavelich felt the move of Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko -- the league's all-time wins leader and the self-proclaimed King of Smack -- to the All-American Conference get owners talking at a whole new level.

While Kuratko's controversial move got owners talking right from the beginning, it was a separate conference switch that made the most impact to the game of smack talking. It wasn't until Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince (pictured right), new to the Browns Conference in 2001, started talking in Sports Page Issue Number Three (see Veterans Vince and Kuratko fire first shots of the season), that it became clear what the theme of this season would be.

With the playoffs set to start this Sunday, several owners wanted the opportunity to say a few final words to their rival GM's. Always one to oblige, this issue of The Sports Page gives them the chance. Be forewarned: The following is intended for mature audiences only.

"We should all model ourselves after Double K's success story," said Vince, paraphrasing the comment by LTP owner Don Jones in last week's Keith Kuratko feature story. "Tell me something DJ, after you made that 'feel good comment of the year,' did you wine and dine him or just take him to the front seat of your Cherry Red Fiero and let him tea bag you?? Maybe you should change your name to a symbol, you know, just like Prince did. You could be the 'owner formerly known as DJ' and your symbol could be (I) !! (Oh, sorry, since the Toiletbound Polesmokers have never seen one, that is a pussy. Oh, sorry again Sam, that would be Vagina.)"

Jones said Vince has no choice but to focus on the trash talking aspect of the game since his player evaluation abilities are so questionable.

"I must be Vinny's unknown mentor," Jones said. "All he has on his team are the guys I drafted weeks before (the Browns Conference) draft. Now he is picking up the guys I drop (Huntley). I guess the best form of flattery is insult. I wonder if I took my balls out of the jar, if he'd take his finger out of his ass and do his own research instead of waiting for me to make some moves."

A police officer in his spare time, or at least when he's not running his mouth during fantasy football season, Vince also took exception to anti-law enforcement comments made by Lardass GM Will Van Bibber (pictured left) in a previous issue of The Sports Page.

"Mr. Van Blabber, I actually thought you might be different," Vince said.  Your teams were doing well (Fantasy and Michigan). You were 'running it' with some sort of amusement. You were all over Barth with the toilet paper smack, which I had never heard before, so I tend to think that you're speaking from experience. Then your beloved Maze and Blue took a monstrous dump and guess what? You turn out to be just like every other owner in the league -- you crawl into hole and are not to be heard from."

"You know, I was reading your bio," Vince continued. "'No kids that you know of.' I have to believe that if your dog Porter has not given you a beautiful litter of puppies, then you pretty safe. 'No wife,' I also have to believe that the Tickle Me Elmo hat has something to do with that. Did Porter get you that last Christmas or did you buy it to impress the little boys at the Elementary School!"

Blockheads GM Jody Barth, whose recent war of words with Van Bibber was captured in previous issues of The Sports Page (see Trash talking develops a rivalry), found special gratification in his Ohio State Buckeyes upending Van Bibber's Michigan Wolverines, 26-20.

"(Michigan coach) Lloyd Carr threw everything at the Buckeyes," Barth said. "The untraditional trick plays most of all. I do not care if the Buckeyes go 0-9 as long as the end the season 1-9. BUCKEYES 26 BLOW 20. Remember that for the next three hundred and sixty two days. WHO'S YOUR DADDY? Next time I'm in
Columbus I will let you by me a beer bitch. This is too easy. I need another bitch. Where's my old boss LABONTE?"

As a final parting shot, Barth asked that special instructions be forwarded to his favorite rival.

"Van Bobber, start bobbing on my nut sack," Barth said. "I am going to try to make this as painless as possible.
Step #1.  View the ass on your monitor.
Step #2.  Press your lips together and pucker.
Step #3.  Lean forward in your chair.
Step #4.  Line up your lips to the ass on the monitor.
Step #5.  Gently press your lips against the monitor.

YOU JUST KISSED THE ASS OF AN OHIO STATE BUCKEYE FAN!  GO BLOW!"