[Nov. 6]

1999 Standings (Week Nine)

Statistics provided by Pavelich Sports Bureau

ALL-AMERICAN       Overall              Division   
Blue               W    L    T    PCT.    W    L    T    PCT.  PF   PA
Psychedelic B's     8    1    0   .889     3    0    0  1.000  877  580
Captain Tripps      5    4    0   .556     2    1    0   .667  648  636  
Midnight Vigilantes 3    6    0   .333     1    2    0   .333  609  695
No Limit Ballers    3    6    0   .333     0    3    0   .000  585  703    

Red                W    L    T    PCT.    W    L    T    PCT.  PF   PA
LTP                 7    2    0   .778     3    0    0  1.000  716  589
Gargoyles           6    3    0   .667     2    1    0   .667  739  633
Masons              6    3    0   .667     1    2    0   .333  746  606  
Butt Chows          1    8    0   .111     0    3    0   .000  477  693

White              W    L    T    PCT.    W    L    T    PCT.  PF   PA
Polish Monarchs     5    4    0   .556     1    2    0   .333  590  620
Couch Potatoes      4    5    0   .444     2    1    0   .667  586  585
P.P. Brains         3    6    0   .333     2    1    0   .667  559  661  
Cosmic Monsters     3    6    0   .333     1    2    0   .333  584  685

BROWNS             Overall              Division   
Brown              W    L    T    PCT.    W    L    T    PCT.  PF   PA
Atomic Punks        7    2    0   .778     2    1    0   .667  814  664
Shadow Bandits      6    3    0   .667     2    1    0   .667  723  631
King Salmons        5    4    0   .556     2    1    0   .667  662  620
Donikers-DTL        5    4    0   .556     0    3    0   .000  735  663    

Orange             W    L    T    PCT.    W    L    T    PCT.  PF   PA
Morticians          6    3    0   .667     3    0    0  1.000  697  604
Hostile Omish       6    3    0   .667     2    1    0   .667  780  612
Bonecrushers        4    5    0   .444     0    3    0   .000  602  651
Mad Zippers         2    7    0   .222     1    2    0   .333  429  638
    
White              W    L    T    PCT.    W    L    T    PCT.  PF   PA
Black Diamond       4    5    0   .444     2    1    0   .667  626  742
Screaming Eagles    4    5    0   .444     2    1    0   .667  611  656
Fat Bottom Girls    3    6    0   .333     1    2    0   .333  614  649
Assassins           2    7    0   .222     1    2    0   .333  571  722

Week Nine High Scoring Teams

Atomic Punks (Keith Kuratko) 113 Points	Cos. Monsters (Brad Rzyczycki) 111 Points

"I think the sports page is a good idea, it is enjoyable to read. But it does make me realize that I am very over-matched by the Gargoyles and the Masons. If I concede right now, would that be okay? Well in fairness to the whole league I better still continue to call in my roster each week. I just want to thank those two gentlemen for allowing me to be in the same division with them."
LTP owner Don Jones when asked to comment on his chances of winning the Red Division title.

"What the hell is Vince talking about!!??!! Yes my trade sucked. If (Lynn) Swann is out there somewhere I would start him. I never claimed to be a blow hole like most of these jackass owners but if we want to fire shots... She will be 80 and you will be 35. And about that dumb as a rock comment. My rock is a lot harder than that pebble you fell on and laid you up quite some time you sissy. Remember I am still 27-1 when it counts. Lastly Vince... I know where that piece of car moulding disappeared to on that old faithful night. Look out! I am about to put a big Christmas ribbon on it and shove it straight up Vinnie Boulevard. And leave my kid out of it. Gabby will kick your daughter's ass any day..."
Mike Szydlowski, Polish Monarchs GM, in response to the shots taken in last week's Sports Page by Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince.

"Another Rzyczycki bites the dust!! You know it is starting to look a lot like 1994...Playing a Rzyczycki, Monday night, Emmitt Smith, we win. The only thing missing was the phone call!"
Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas after watching his squad rally to beat Captain Tripps and Matt Rzyczycki thanks to a 26 point performance by Emmitt Smith on Monday night. The other comment refers to Thomas' famous trash-talking incident in 1994. With his club trailing Brad Rzyczycki's Cosmic Monsters 85-69 heading into Monday night, Thomas called Rzyczycki to "remind" him that Emmitt Smith was playing and the contest was far from over. Smith delivered with 29 points in that game and the two have been heated rivals ever since.

"The way I see it if Vince wins this thing he is going to have to share the pot with Joe AND Dana because it looks like he actually listened to her this year."
Thomas again, reviving the claim he first made in 1996 that Bryan Vince's sister Dana was the real brains behind the Psychedelic B's success.

"I would like to reminisce on my victory. I took the time out to look up the definition of mason: "To construct of or repair with masonry." The GM of the "masons" constructed a well built team, but the little pig huffed and puffed and blew his team apart. Now comes the "repair" part."
Couch Potatoes GM Jody Barth after his team upset John Thiem's Masons 107-103.

"To the GM of Butt Chows: I hope your using some type of lubricant as much as your taking it up the ASS!!"
Barth again, commenting on the unsuccessful debut season for Butt Chows owner Brent Holsclaw.

"Do you smell what Keith is cooking? A can of whoop ass!! He is the commissioner so coincidence his record speaks for itself. Although he does rub one off to his Fantasy Football Weekly."
Barth making a claim that the success of Keith Kuratko and the Atomic Punks can be traced to the fact that he is the commissioner of the conference he plays in.

"Hey All-American Conference, don't forget when the ballots come out for year end awards to vote for Joe Nunney as GM of the year in your conference for his wonderful job of drafting that powerhouse B's team."
Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko reminding All-American Conference owners to remember Joe Nunney -- the man who filled in for the absent Bryan Vince on draft night -- when the season-ending awards ballots are released.

"Vince, it's easy to take all of the credit when you are whipping everyone's ass over there in the All-American, but I'm sure if it was the other way around you would be blaming Nunney for drafting a horrible team."
Kuratko again, when asked to comment on the unbelievable success of Vince's 8-1 Psychedelic B's squad. The B's have scored 877 points on the year, 131 more than the closest competitor.

"Hey Storm, the last time I checked, scoring more points doesn't win you a division. The almighty "W" does. Scoring more points might just win you a plaque but I don't think that will happen with the way the B's are playing. Oh by the way, I believe I have about 75 more points than you. I know I can kick your teams ass!!"
Kuratko's response to Thomas that the Gargoyles would have defeated the Punks had they matched up in Week 8.

"Assassins, I guess you might as well drop -assins from your name cause all your friggin team is a bunch of assess! Also, I, along with the rest of the conference, know who is the most electrifying general manager in the HISTO RY of this league is as you found out last weekend JackAssassins!!!!"
Kuratko's response to the trash-talking of Assassins GM Rob Pesicka prior to their meeting last week. The Punks dropped Pesicka's bunch 113-68.

"Mortland, I guess you like to be associated with the Assassins, that is why you made the trade with him. You fit better with him anyhow, both of your teams are a bunch of wannabes...wannabe like the Punks!!!! Steamrolling into the Bowl baby! I guess if you can make it anywhere in the playoffs I guess we will be seeing who is going to be kicking whose ass!!"
Kuratko again, responding to comments in a previous issue of The Sports Page by Morticians owner Dave Mortland that he would rather deal with the Pesicka and the Assassins than Kuratko and the Punks.

"Hey John: First off, I am not crying about the fact that none of you guys are doing anything to catch the B's. I am just stating a fact. Proof is with your team. Did we really think that Marshall Faulk was going to rush for 150 yds and catch another 100 yards every week? Did we really think that Flutie still has the magic from last year? And come on, Hakim, Mills, Dwight, Boston, and Conway as your receivers? Are you kidding me? Like I was saying, is anyone going to do anything to try to catch the B's or are all of you going to let him stomp all over you all season? Looks like the latter."
Kuratko's final comment of the week, directed at Masons GM John Thiem.

"Sit, Stay, Heel, Sic'em, Lay Down, Roll Over, Good Boy, Good Shadow Bandit! Man, don't ya just love that Labonte? He's my auto "W." If only I could play him every week. Grab your ass Omish, here I come!"
Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell after his team defeated Paul Labonte's Shadow Bandits 77-67 last weekend. Bell's club is now 8-1 against Labonte's lifetime.

WEEK'S TRANSACTIONS
11/11/99

All-American Conference

Midnight Vigilantes
Smith,Robert      Picked Up Free Agent
Fiedler,Jay       Picked Up Free Agent
COLTS,IND         Picked Up Free Agent
Mora,Jim          Picked Up Free Agent
Bradford,Corey    Picked Up Free Agent
Griese,Brian      Waived from Midnight Vigilantes
Johnson,LeShon    Waived from Midnight Vigilantes
Wilkins,Terrenc   Waived from Midnight Vigilantes
Green,Jacquez     Waived from Midnight Vigilantes

Captain Tripps
Pittman,Michael   Picked Up Free Agent
Hasselbeck,Matt   Picked Up Free Agent
Edwards,Troy      Picked Up Free Agent
Matthews,Shane    Waived from Captain Tripps
Huard,Damon       Waived from Captain Tripps
NINERS,SF         Waived from Captain Tripps
Mariucci,Steve    Waived from Captain Tripps

Cosmic Monsters
Bennett,Donnell   Picked Up Free Agent
Murrell,Adrian    Waived from Cosmic Monsters

LTP
Bynum,Kenny       Picked Up Free Agent
Vinatieri,Adam    Waived from LTP

Gargoyles
Pritchett,Stanl   Picked Up Free Agent
Garcia,Jeff       Waived from Gargoyles

Masons
Stenstrom,Steve   Picked Up Free Agent
Mills,Ernie       Waived from Masons

Browns Conference

Fat Bottom Girls
McNown,Cade       Waived from Fat Bottom Girls
Galloway,Joey     Picked Up Free Agent

Assassins
Chandler,Chris    Waived from Assassins
Armour,Justin     Waived from Assassins
Green,Jacquez     Picked Up Free Agent
Graham,Kent       Picked Up Free Agent

Hostile Omish
Aikman,Troy       Waived from Hostile Omish
COWBOYS,DAL       Waived from Hostile Omish
Gailey,Chan       Waived from Hostile Omish
Stoyanovich,Pet   Waived from Hostile Omish
Pittman,Michael   Picked Up Free Agent
Blake,Jeff        Picked Up Free Agent
TITANS,TEN        Picked Up Free Agent
Fisher,Jeff       Picked Up Free Agent

Bonecrushers
Garcia,Jeff       Waived from Bonecrushers
Price,Peerless    Waived from Bonecrushers
Miller,Chris      Picked Up Free Agent
Hakim,Az-zahir    Picked Up Free Agent

Donikers DTL
Hasselbeck,Matt   Waived from Donikers DTL
Poole,Keith       Picked Up Free Agent

Atomic Punks
RAIDERS,OAK       Waived from Atomic Punks
Gruden,Jon        Waived from Atomic Punks
Irvin,Sedrick     Picked Up Free Agent

King Salmons
Couch,Tim         Waived from King Salmons
McNabb,Donovan    Picked Up Free Agent