The Sports Page        

Volume 10, Issue 9 

The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League

Oct. 25, 2002
League History  

League Standings

Four teams top century mark

Division races heating up in both conferences; smack talk continues

With just five games remaining in the regular season, all of the division races are coming down to the wire. At this point, four of the division leaders have a one-game lead, the Red Division has two teams tied at 5-2, and Team Bud has a two game lead -- despite dropping their last two contests. And as always appears to be the case in the Erie League, owners continued to take shots at one another.

Despite dropping a 116-93 decision to the Dayton Penatrators, Titlebound Two co-owner J.P. Dougherty (pictured in hat with fellow owner Brett Harney) took the opportunity to respond to weeks of trash talking by Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince.

"I seem to have noticed a little trend coming from Bryan Vince, owner of the Psychedelic Bitches," Dougherty said. "It seems that Bryan has an infatuation with gay smack. After the first couple of postings you could chalk it up to coincidence, but after two years, week in and week out of gay postings, you understand what is going on -- our friend Bryan is a gay cop! That's right folks Policeman Bryan is a Butt Pirate. Some of you may say, wait a minute JP he can't be, he's an officer of the law. I say go back and look at the evidence. Every time he writes smack he laces it with gay connotations. Every owner in the league at one point or another has fell victim to it.

"We need to go easy on Bryan. Can you imagine the life he leads? It can't be easy being a gay man in today's society. Just imagine how tough it must be to be a gay cop. I know he enjoys the perks -- the free handcuffs, the free billy club (oh the stories I bet that club could tell) but please make sure you don't take advantage of your job. You can't use your power as a means to meet men. It's just not right. I guess you could look at the flip side -- if the Village People ever reunite you would have an excellent shot!"

In other games, both Sam Profio's Donikers-DTL (2-5) and Dave Bell's Bonecrushers (3-4) won this past week to set up a showdown between the long-time rivals.

"Hey DTL, Where the hell have you been this year?" said Bell (pictured left). "I don't hear from you anymore! It can't be because your team SUCKS! It's not because you're in LAST place in the WHOLE FRIGGIN LEAGUE is it? You're giving the geriatrics a BAD NAME! Well I got bad news for you bunkie! Get ready for another hit because while you're down, I'm going to take a shit right on your grave!! You're a lock for the Toilet Bowl, Holmes! By the way, be sure and start LT and Favre this week, you turd monger!"

Profio, feeling good after his club's 77-57 win over Jester X, responded with comments of his own.

"I can't believe you have the audacity (Bryan, this means incredibly brash) to run this kind of smack when your team sucks like a $100 whore," said Profio (pictured right). "You may have one more win but you are 3 and 4 for Christ's sake, last in your division, and I have outscored you (which goes double for the ladies). If I end up in the Toilet Bowl, I am sure I will see your turd ass floating around there in which case I will have to beat you once again. Some things never change my belt loop bitch. Actually, you may have your first opportunity to beat me in about, what, 20 years because my two best guys are down. In spite of that, I see that you were still so scared that you had to make a trade. You are fortunate that I am in New England and not in the office or the turds would be showing up all over your office all week long! Save me a Baby Ruthie."

Not to be outdone, Bell responded his own retort.

"It don't take no 'audacity' to state the obvious!" Bell said. "It's sorta like when you're driving down the freeway in the high speed lane and you come up behind a slower car with a bumper sticker that says 'I may be slow, but I'm ahead of YOUR ass!' Get it Pecker Head? Besides, I detect a little trepidation (Bryan, this means fearful -- See, I can do that shit too) in your last paragraph. Grab your ankles and get the Vaseline Home Boy cause here I come.

B's GM Vince had his own thoughts on the annual Donikers-Bonecrushers war of words.

"The Geriatric War has to be ended," Vince said. "If this keeps up one of you baby food eaters is going to stroke out. The only way to solve this is, da, da, da, 'The Geriatric Olympics.' You guys can compete in one of many events to decide who gets the big prize, the last pudding cup. We start off with the strength events: the Hearing Aid Toss and the Denture Throw. Next is the speed events: The 100 yard walker dash and the 400 cane walk. If your hips are still in tact and one or both of you doesn't need a nap, you can get in the ring for 3 rounds and bash each other with your Colostomy Bags. Oh what a sight, where do I get a ducket?"

Bell and Profio weren't the only elder statesmen to be running the smack this week, as King Salmons GM Jim Damicone got in on the action after his team's 98-74 thumping of the Horn-Headed Degenerates.

"It looks to me that the three geriatrics owners all won convincingly again this past weekend," said Damicone (pictured left). "This is the time of the year where our teams begin to put it all together. Not only are we older and wiser than those owners that think we have Alzheimers or need Viagra, we can still whip any of their asses in a real mans sport --racquetball. In fact, we could stand in the back of a court, pound down a few beers and watch as they gasp for air. The season is still early and with all of these owners pulling a Mark Shapiro with their teams, I expect the prediction from the visionary Keith Kuratko to be correct - picking the King Salmons to win the Browns Conference (and most likely appearing in the Fantasy Bowl again). With Garcia, James, Holt, Boston and Ward, this team is too good to be under .500. With the exception of 1993, everyone knows that the best team doesn't always win the Fantasy Bowl. I expect to win handily this weekend, even though the Godfather's team has scored 140 more points than my King Salmons. Godfather -- his name doesn't even end in a vowel - that's sacrilegious."

Jody Barth, owner of the Team Bud franchise, was infuriated with the recent play of his team, as his division lead dropped to just two games after this week's 92-76 shellacking at the hands of Storm Thomas and his lowly Gargoyles.

"First I lose to a redneck from Michigan," Barth said. "Now I lose to the worst team in the history of fantasy football?!? I have two black eyes."

Barth's club will need to regroup this week as they prepare to take on Dave Collins and his Dayton Penatrators, 116-93 winners over Titlebound Two this past week. Late word filtered to the staff of The Sports Page about a Friday afternoon Associated Press story making the rounds in the Cleveland area. CLICK HERE TO READ: TEAM BUD OWNER BARTH: "You too can go from geek to unique in the Party Shirt!"

The article garnered instant attention from other Erie League owners.

"That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever read," said B's GM Bryan Vince in an e-mail labeled 'Tammy Vince.' "Stick to 'Fudging' numbers you freaken pole smoker."

"Wow...a couple of F-Bombs and a classic 'pole-smoker,'" said Collins. "I will stick to 'FUDGING NUMBERS'.....IF YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS.........TAMMY."

Brad Rzyczycki (pictured left) saw his Cosmic Monsters squad drop to 4-3 with their 100-83 loss to the Shadow Bandits. However, the division leader made trade for the present by dealing RB T.J. Duckett (4 units) and WR Donte Stallworth (1 unit) to the Bonecrushers for QB Michael Vick and WR Johnnie Morton. CLICK HERE TO SEE ALL FRANCHISE PLAYER VALUES FOR NEXT SEASON.

Top Week Seven performers were RB Marshall Faulk (pictured left), who totaled 47 points for Black Diamond and the Long Shots and RB Priest Holmes (pictured right) who had 32 points for the Shadow Bandits and Dayton Penatrators.

To get your own smack talk printed on The Sports Page, either send an e-mail to the commissioner (KPAVELICH@neo.rr.com) or do it yourself on the league's message board. Go to http://fflnet2.myfantasyleague.com/fflnet2002/home/80682, scroll down until you see the buttons for links and team names, click the button for message board on the left, click the button for your team name on the right, enter your password and you're there.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"I knew there was something strange, maybe it was the way the Homobound twosome was fondling your picture at the draft. I mean it should have been more obvious to me, the fly boy flat top, the cutesy green shirt, and the team name 'Penetrators.'  Hey, Don't ask, Don't tell. But I'm confused on one thing, You were busy 'FUDGING NUMBERS?'  Is that what they call the little boys on the base?  Hey, if your ever looking for a room up this way, the little Homobound Boys love playing military dress up." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince after reading last week's feature story on Dayton Penatrators owner Dave Collins. CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT THE DAVE COLLINS FEATURE STORY.

"Van Selleck, after all of the episodes, didn't that Detroit Tigers Hat Smell?" Vince again, taking a shot at Tom Selleck clone Will Van Bibber.

"Pav, do me a favor and take Tammy's email address off the mail list.  You let everyone know they can screw with me all they want, but if anyone emails Tammy again, the end of the season party is going to turn into a boxing match. This isn't tongue and cheek. I'm not mad, like I said, I could care less if they say shit to me.  If he would have written me and called me an 'asshole' that's fine.  He's got no right to write what he did and address it to Tammy and if he does it again there will be a problem.  Why aren't you going to have the party?  Who is pissed?  Are people really taking what I write serious?” An e-mail from Vince to Pavelich, Friday afternoon, after Pavelich hinted there might not be a post-season party due to all the smack talking.

"I'm only throwing a party if I win the championship again." Pavelich's response.

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