The Sports Page        

Volume 10, Issue 12

The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League

Nov. 15, 2002
League History  

League Standings

Keep your enemies closer

More bad blood among owners as regular season winds down

With just two games left in the regular season, the war of words among select owners heated up this week.

The fun started last Friday when Long Shots GM Bill Long (pictured right) called out Bonecrushers owner Dave Bell on the Erie League's message board.

"Here we go again Dave," Long wrote. "Your limp ass dick, I mean team, still is in trouble this week even though I had to pick up two players just to have a complete line-up this week. You're going down so badly that even Viagra won't help you out! I'm going to be 'FAULKING' all over you this week."

Bell, never at a loss for words, immediately had a response for Long.

"Hey you 'Faulking' midget," wrote Bell, pictured left. "You've obviously forgotten how you won the first game we played this year. Since your memory is about as long as your pecker (your wife told me) let me refresh it. My roster outscored your roster by about ...oh ...100 points! Lisa was in my office and we were practicing Flashing for Beads at the Beer Barrel when my lineup was due. Well, not so this time around Bunkie! She stopped in early this week when you were out of town and took care of business. So get ready for a large dose of ass-whoopin. I don't need that Viagra shit (which she can attest to). That's for limp dick geezers like Profio and Damicone!"

When the talking finally stopped and the action on the field began, it was the Long Shots who delivered the ass-whoopin, 92-55. With the storms that ripped through Northwest Ohio on Sunday afternoon and evening, it's a good bet that Bell, who was right in the middle of a tornado in Port Clinton, probably didn't even notice.

"I might be a 'Faulkin midget' but I gave you an 'ass-whoopin!'" Long said. "You old limp dick! You must of got your one 'Stiffy' for the week when my wife flashed you her beads, again I might add. It pays to have a wife with big Hoo Hoo's. Maybe you should have borrowed some of that Viagra from that Old Geezer Profio. I don't think his is potent enough, because I kicked his Old Ass in the GLPP One League this past weekend. I heard that you were so mad about losing to me, that you through a fit and brought your Condo Crashing down. (See picture at right) Tornado my ASS! Sore Loser is more like it!"

Two other long-time rivals went at it this week when Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas (pictured left), proved to the rest of the league that he was actually alive, when he sent an e-mail to Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, requesting that Harney pay off a bet made during the Erie Fantasy Baseball League season.

"I recall that that our agreement was for $100 if I finished ahead of you in fantasy baseball," wrote Thomas, whose club dropped to 3-7 with a loss this week. "I understand because you picked a sub-standard fantasy football team you wanted the entire agreement forgiven. I propose that we meet halfway. I appreciate the fact that you utilized your inferior skills to draft my team. However, I can't let you be the sniveling coward of a welcher you are and break the initial agreement. I think this is fair because you can take pride in saying that you ruined my team and my reputation as a quality owner, GM, and all around fantasy sports guru."

Harney, whose club has now won three in a row after this week's 119-84 thumping of Team Bud, angrily shot back at his long-time nemesis.

"Storm - fuck off," said Harney (pictured right). "I will pay the $50. If it wasn't for me your sorry ass wouldn't be in the league. We thought you were coming out for the draft? Oh, that's right, Greyhound was maxed that day. If you had been there your Gargolyes would look like a Cincinnati Bengal 2002 All-Star team. Last year you blamed it on Dave Bell - now I am the scapegoat. I will pay once your dead beat ass pays Tagliabue. Pav knows my credit is great. Being a commissioner for 13 years myself, you are the owner from hell that all commissioners hate. Sack up and get your ass off the roll away bed and make good on your commitments. Tag - let me know when Storm's Dairy Mart money order clears. My check will be in the mail the next day."

Thomas, who normally is one of the better trash talkers in the league but has been strangely quiet this year, had plenty to say in response.

"I may be a pain in the ass but you are an ass," Thomas said. "I just want you to admit that our bet was for the cost of the team and that you owe me $100. That is it. Like I said I appreciate the mediocre draft you conducted for me. But, to me that is not the issue - the issue is the bet. You owe me $100 bucks and I am doing you a favor by allowing you to only pay $50. I just want you to admit that I finished ahead of you and you owe me $100 bucks. I will forgive the other fifty you owe me for your substandard performance at the draft. Also, I will admit that I am a bit taken aback by your language considering that I am doing you a favor.  Harney you truly have no class."

The last two games should be very interesting, especially in the Browns Conference where just two games separate the 1st and the 12th seed. With two games remaining in the season, the playoffs would shape up as follows if the season ended today:

All-American Conference

  1. Psychedelic B's (GM- Bryan Vince): 8-2, 95.9 points per game

  2. Team Bud (GM- Jody Barth): 7-3, 85.0 points per game

  3. Masons (GM- John Thiem): 6-4, 82.6 points per game

  4. Titlebound Two (GM- Brett Harney/JP Dougherty): 6-4, 83.4 points per game

  5. Midnight Vigilantes (GM- Kirk Pavelich): 6-4, 94.0 points per game

  6. Atomic Punks (GM- Keith Kuratko): 6-4, 85.2 points per game

  7. LTP (GM- Don Jones): 4-6, 79.5 points per game

  8. Dayton Penatrators (GM- Dave Collins): 4-6, 88.2 points per game

Browns Conference

  1. Shadow Bandits (GM- Paul Labonte): 6-4, 103.6 points per game

  2. The Godfather (GM- Doug Frank): 6-4, 95.2 points per game

  3. Cosmic Monsters (GM- Brad Rzyczycki): 6-4, 82.7 points per game

  4. Intimidators (GM- Steve Payne): 6-4, 88.2 points per game

  5. Horn-Headed Degenerates (GM- Paul Tanski): 6-4, 75.2 points per game

  6. Long Shots (GM- Bill Long): 5-5, 85.3 points per game

  7. HowAboutALilBitAThat!!! (GM- Jason Gillespie): 5-5, 92.6 points per game

  8. Stonehenge (GM- Jamie Roush): 4-6, 93.7 points per game

Top Week Ten performers were WR Plaxico Burress (pictured left), who totaled 37 points for the Midnight Vigilantes and The Godfather. QB Tommy Maddox (pictured right) totaled 36 points but was left on the bench by both the Dayton Penatrators and the Godfather. The Rams combination of QB Marc Bulger and WR Isaac Bruce totaled 34 points each for the Midnight Vigilantes, Dayton Penatrators and Cosmic Monsters.

To get your own smack talk printed on The Sports Page, either send an e-mail to the commissioner (KPAVELICH@neo.rr.com) or do it yourself on the league's message board. Go to http://fflnet2.myfantasyleague.com/fflnet2002/home/80682, scroll down until you see the buttons for links and team names, click the button for message board on the left, click the button for your team name on the right, enter your password and you're there.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Hey, I know you two work together and what you do on your own time is your business. But I do not need to have the image of you two 'Faulking' running through my head. I hope the old man isn't going to take that. He may find 25 different ways to call the Long Shots a piece of shit." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince responding to the war of words between Long Shots GM Bill Long and Bonecrushers owner Dave Bell.

"You Fuckin' Pot Stirring Prick. I'll have you know that I run my mouth win, lose, or draw.  You plead with me to keep my smack going, to keep the Sports Page interesting, then you screw me with that shit.  I may have to throw you a little bitch smack next time I see you." Vince again, taking exception to the headline 'Psychedelic B's hammer Omish, allow Vince to run his mouth again' which appeared in last week's Sports Page and was written by Commissioner Kirk Pavelich.

"Go ahead and throw some smack my way big daddy. Just make sure it's a little more fresh than the old stand-by about me having the same haircut. How about some smack about how your team whipped my ass this year? Oh wait, the Vigilantes beat the B's by six. How about some smack about how many more championships you've won than me? Oh wait, we've got you there too. Go ahead Vince, dazzle me with something." Commissioner Kirk Pavelich responding to Vince's comments.

"This just into the AP... Dayton Penatrators owner Dave Collins did find his shower 'ROD.' Although he forgot why he was looking for IT! He was supposed to tie a noose to it and jump off the toilet seat, but instead he improvised and just shoved it into his rectum. The lead physician at Dayton Hospital stated that the owner of the Dayton Penatrators will be just fine and further stated he has never seen a BIGGER ASSHOLE!” Team Bud GM Jody Barth, responding to previous comments made by Dayton Penatrators owner Dave Collins.

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