The Sports Page        

Volume 10, Issue 11

The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League

Nov. 8, 2002
League History  

League Standings

Three games to go in reg. season

Psychedelic B's hammer Omish, allow Vince to run his mouth again

Despite the fact that owners have been shying away from engaging in a war of words with the self-proclaimed "Smack Daddy," Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince had plenty to say again this week after his team drilled Mike Kuratko's Hostile Omish squad, 93-54.

"Mike Kuratko is a nice guy," said Vince (pictured right). "He never talks smack. He never pisses anyone off. He even lets his charity case brother sponge off, oops sorry, I  mean live with him. But next time we play, he might just want to concede his loss and save himself the embarrassment. I think those losers who play the Globetrotters have a better chance of winning than he does."

Vince also took the opportunity to take shots at any and all owners in the Erie League who have been offended by his efforts to talk smack in good fun.

"Memo to all owners: You tools have NO outcome in how your fantasy team does!!" Vince said. "That is why it is called FANTASY Football. You try and pick a halfway decent team and hope your guys don't get hurt.  The only reason to play this is to win money and run smack. If you can't handle the smack and actually take it serious, you may want start your own league with all the other thin-skinned pussies. Maybe you can talk about how you gave your 'make believe' players that great halftime speech that propelled them to victory."

Two owners who must be giving rousing half-time speeches are Team Bud GM Jody Barth (pictured far left) and Horn-Headed Degenerates owner Paul Tanski (pictured immediate left). How else could you explain the fact that each has led their respective squads to a conference-best record? Team Bud is 7-2 despite averaging just 85.1 per contest while the Degenerates are a Browns Conference best 6-3 despite averaging just 74.8.

"Hey Geriatric Conference!" Vince said. "Please explain to me how a team averaging under 75 pts. a game has the best record in your league. I mean, the only team that is scoring less is Damicone and his limp fish. We can cut him a break though. He is 119 years old and believes that Otto Graham and Jim Brown are still playing.  But the Horn Headed Dude? You guys don't have to worry, he's not going to sneak into your house and steal your children. I checked. He just looks that way. You can go ahead and give him a game now."

With three games remaining in the season, teams will finish up with one more game against each divisional foe. If the season were to end today, the playoffs would shape up as follows:

All-American Conference

  1. Team Bud (GM- Jody Barth): 7-2, 85.1 points per game

  2. Psychedelic B's (GM- Bryan Vince): 7-2, 94.6 points per game

  3. Masons (GM- John Thiem): 5-4, 82.4 points per game

  4. Titlebound Two (GM- Brett Harney/JP Dougherty): 5-4, 79.4 points per game

  5. Midnight Vigilantes (GM- Kirk Pavelich): 5-4, 90.6 points per game

  6. Atomic Punks (GM- Keith Kuratko): 5-4, 85.6 points per game

  7. LTP (GM- Don Jones): 4-5, 78.6 points per game

  8. Hostile Omish (GM- Mike Kuratko): 4-5, 76.0 points per game

Browns Conference

  1. Horn-Headed Degenerates (GM- Paul Tanski): 6-3, 74.8 points per game

  2. Shadow Bandits (GM- Paul Labonte): 5-4, 102.1 points per game

  3. Cosmic Monsters (GM- Brad Rzyczycki): 5-4, 78.4 points per game

  4. The Godfather (GM- Doug Frank): 5-4, 95.0 points per game

  5. HowAboutALilBitAThat!!! (GM- Jason Gillespie): 5-4, 92.9 points per game

  6. Intimidators (GM- Steve Payne): 5-4, 87.0 points per game

  7. Long Shots (GM- Bill Long): 4-5, 84.6 points per game

  8. Donikers-DTL (GM- Sam Profio): 4-5, 82.4 points per game

Top Week Nine performers were RB Antowain Smith (pictured left), who totaled 32 points for the Bonecrushers but was placed on the bench by Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas. Luckily for Thomas, his squad didn't need Smith's production to knock off the Atomic Punks. RB Tiki Barber (pictured right) also received honors for totaling 28 points for the Psychedelic B's and the Intimidators.

To get your own smack talk printed on The Sports Page, either send an e-mail to the commissioner (KPAVELICH@neo.rr.com) or do it yourself on the league's message board. Go to http://fflnet2.myfantasyleague.com/fflnet2002/home/80682, scroll down until you see the buttons for links and team names, click the button for message board on the left, click the button for your team name on the right, enter your password and you're there.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Homobound II, my smack is getting old because I can only call you 'cocksuckers' so many times?  I NEVER called you two ladies that vulgar and disgusting name. I may have used polesmokers, butt pirates, anal butt dart shooters, hide the salami men, skin flute ticklers, fudge packers, sausage smugglers, anal probers, penis predators, semen stealers, hamster hiders, slong massagers, crank yankers, and stated that you may be know in some circles as the 'Masterbating Marauders.'  But never and I repeat never have I called you girls cocksuckers." Psychedelic B's GM responding to Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney's comment that Vince's smack has gotten old because "You can say someone is a cocksucker only so many times."

"I hear through the grapevine that Captain Tripps finally purchased a computer. Now Matt, computer sex is not you looking at a nudey picture and sticking your crank into the C drive!!" Vince, attempting to introduce Captain Tripps GM Matt Rzyczycki to proper computer terminology.

"With all the so-called smack taking place... no one has pay any attention to the rise of the Midnight Vigilantes!! Is he secretly taking phone calls again?" LTP owner Don Jones, commenting on the fact that Kirk Pavelich's Midnight Vigilantes have won four straight after starting the season at 1-4.

"I suck. My team sucks. I think I will just shut up now and go find a shower rod. What a bunch of non-performing Jody Barth's I have for a team. Worthless losers. Makes me sick.” Dayton Penatrators GM Dave Collins after his club dropped to 3-6 with a 72-62 loss to Captain Tripps.

"I don't know about all of you but it sounds questionable to me that the owner of the Penatrators is talking about finding a shower rod." Commissioner Kirk Pavelich.

"Man, the way you just bent over and took it, Barth must have been wearing two of those special shirts. Did he even pay for the cab ride back to Dayton?" B's GM Bryan Vince, commenting on Jody Barth's Week Eight thumping of Dave Collins and the Dayton Penatrators.

"Pav, I swear this is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Vince is a classic. Higgins by the way was Selleck's boss in Magnum PI." Former owner Steve Suder, past GM of the PP Brains, taking the time to answer a question and prove to the Erie League that he's still alive.

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