Browns Conference Preview - 2002     

by Keith Kuratko, Erie League All-Time Wins Leader, Owner of the Atomic Punks

When Commissioner Pavelich asked me to write a preview of the Browns Conference for the upcoming fantasy football season, I wasn’t sure if I should do it or not.  There have been quite a few team changes in the conference since I left a couple of years ago. So I said, “What the hell. Why not?”  So for those of you that don’t know me, let me introduce myself.  My name is Keith Kuratko and I am the owner of the Atomic Punks. This will be my 13th season in the Erie Fantasy Football League. If you want to know more, than read my bio in the owner’s manual that Kirk gave you on draft day. My record speaks for itself, but I don’t consider myself a so-called fantasy expert, but I do know a thing or two about it so I am going to give my opinions on the teams and how I think they will fare during the season.

Before any of you wannabes sends me some stupid-ass e-mail saying I don’t know shit, as I stated in the previous sentence, these are just my opinions. Leave it at that. If you don’t agree, fine. Prove me wrong and win a game or two. Then if you would like to send me something at the end of the season, go ahead though I don’t think I will be hearing from any of you. On to the preview.

Jim Brown Division

In the Brown division, I like the King Salmons to run away with division title this year. Jim Damicone (pictured right) had a strong draft with players like Jeff Garcia, Edgerrin James, David Boston and Torry Holt. I think his only weakness might be the second RB position, but if Olandis Gary can start the season like a bat out of hell and hold off Clinton Portis, then Jim will be fine. In second, I feel will be the Cosmic Monsters, the team’s first year in the Browns Conference. He will give the Salmons a run for their money with players like Kurt Warner, Anthony Thomas, Isaac Bruce and Joe Horn. Brad Rzyczycki is solid at receiver and if one of his other running backs can step up to the plate he should contend. Rounding out the division is Stonehenge (Jamie Roush) and bringing up the rear will be Jester X (Will Van Bibber). Stonehenge has average quarterbacks, average running backs and a couple of above average receivers. Jester X, formerly Lardass, has three potentially good quarterbacks and that’s where it ends. He has an average RB, average WR and a below average team name. Though after looking at your roster I guess your team name fits you because you are a fool for drafting that team.

Otto Graham Division

Sam Profio (pictured left) and the Donikers-DTL look like they are going to win their sixth division championship, as they are loaded. I really don’t see any weakness in his starting lineup as he has an above average QB in Favre, three solid RBs in Alexander, Martin, and Tomlinson and three solid WRs in Brown, Smith, and Chrebet. He seems to always come out of the draft in good shape and this year was no different. The battle for second in the Graham Division will be a fierce competition. Any of three remaining teams have a shot but I am going to go with The Godfather and owner Doug Frank. He’s the name that came out of the hat so he comes in second.  He is very solid at RB with George, Hearst, Portis and Williams. His QBs are average fantasy QBs and he has a couple of potential good WRs. If he could trade one or two of his RBs and get a stud WR he will be tough. In third place, Steve Payne and the Intimidators need to do something about his QB situation until Harrington gets the starting nod in Detroit. With the Bus playing like he is 50 in Pittsburgh, Stewart cannot carry the Steelers or the Intimidators to glory. Steve has good RBs, if they stay healthy and that is a big IF, and he has good WRs. Bringing up the rear in the division will be Paul Tanski and the Horn-Headed Degenerates. Where the hell do these guys get their team names? One of those horns must have got lodged in his brain. Anyway, he has a great QB in Manning, a couple of RBs that if they play up to their expectations could have very good years (Pittman, Davis) and a couple of good receivers in Chambers and Coles. Basically, you can throw those last three teams in a hat and pull out their names like I did and that could be the way they finish the year but the Donikers-DTL are head and shoulders above them and I don’t see any of them giving Sam any real threat.

Lou Groza Division

Surprisingly, and I can’t believe I am going to say this, but Paul Labonte (pictured right) and the Shadow Bandits should win the division. Paul must have done his homework this year as he came out of the draft with a solid team from top to bottom. He has some stars and some good reserves on his bench. He has three solid fantasy QBs, the MVP of the AFC last year in Holmes at RB, one of the top WRs in Moss and good solid players to fill out his roster. He might want to look into trading one of his QBs and trying to get another top-notch WR or RB, preferably a RB. The other three teams are like the previous division and you can throw them in a hat and pull out the order that they finish. I am going to go with Bill Long and the Long Shots to come in second, Dave Bell and the Bonecrushers in third, and finishing fourth with a pathetic team is Jason Gillespie with an even more pathetic team name HowAboutALilBitAThat!!!  HowAboutGettingARealTeamNameJackAss!!!!!!

The Long Shots have questions at both QB and WR. If Griese can stay healthy and play like he is capable and one or two of his receivers can step up he will be all right. Trade one of those RBs man and solidify your WRs. The Bonecrushers need to strengthen up their bench and trade one of his QBs to get an above average RB or WR. HowAboutALilBitAThat has Bledsoe, Green and Moulds and a very fucked up team name. Throw the rest of your players in the trash along with your team name and start over boy. Fortunately we won’t be hearing too much from HowAboutALilBitAThat!!!  It should be WhatTheFuckWentWrongThisSeason??? And the answer to that is when you came in with that team name.

Well, we have the three division winners, Donikers-DTL, King Salmons, and the Shadow Bandits and now I must pick the five wild-card entries.  I like the Long Shots, Bonecrushers, Cosmic Monsters, the Godfather, and the Intimidators. I like the Donikers-DTL to play in his fourth Fantasy Bowl but like in years past he will lose, this time to the Atomic Punks. Sorry Sam.

Well, these are my opinions and a lot of things can happen during the season with injuries and what not, so anything could happen between now and the end of the year. Like my opinions or hate my opinions, but learn to love my opinions cause they are the best things going today. Please send your hate e-mails to Youcansuckit@fuckyou.com