The Sports Page        

Volume 9, Issue 9         The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League              Nov. 13, 2001

Dancing with who brought you

Trade deadline passes with several owners deciding to stand pat

For a few moments last week, it looked like Joe Nunney (pictured right) would break up Black Diamond and send players such as Jeff Garcia and Marshall Faulk packing in order to build for 2002. However, based primarily on Terrell Davis' strong return last Monday night, Nunney decided to keep the team together. The club responded this week by pounding Scott Keithley and the Rat Bastards 96-62. Now Nunney has to deal with another injury to the talented Denver running back.

Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko, who thought he had a deal for Faulk, a deal for Daunte Culpepper, as well as several other, said this was his most frustrating year when it came to trading.

"All you guys are scoundrels," Kuratko said. "I thought I was a scoundrel. Now I find out I'm the one bringing integrity back to this league." 

John Thiem, who for a time looked like he might deal Culpepper to either the Punks or Midnight Vigilantes late Saturday night, decided to hold onto his current Masons club. As with Black Diamond, his team responded by holding off the division leading Polish Monarchs 109-97. 

For awhile, it looked like players such as Ahman Green and Amani Toomer would be leaving Matt Rzyyczycki and Captain Tripps in a trade with Mike Szydlowski's Polish Monarchs. Rzyczycki was in line for anyone from Kurt Warner to Marvin Harrison. However, the two owners couldn't agree, an outcome that left a sour taste in Szydlowski's mouth when the Monarchs GM was rebuked by others in the All-American Conference as well.

"I've never met more gutless individuals in my life," Szydlowski said. "This game is about risk, not sitting on our hands or keeping your hands on your fly like most of you do. It's ok to trade. Oh well, that time is now gone..."

Titlebound Two and their co-owners Brett Harney and J.P. Dougherty once again look like the team to beat in the Browns Conference after their 108-72 thumping of the Long Shots. Jason Gillespie and his Gibby's are also 7-2 after knocking off the Dirty Pigs, 106-71.

Steve Suder and the PP Brains had a lead late over LTP but could only watch helplessly as Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander ran up and down the field on the Raiders, scoring 44 points -- good enough for third all-time in the Erie League's single-game scoring records.

"As I fell asleep Sunday night watching the Seahawks and Oakland tied 3 to 3, I had a great dream -- that my sorry ass team actually won for me," Suder said. "Little did I know that the defense of the Raiders would let me down. What a freakin' nightmare, but hey it could be worse. I could be the GM for the Detroit Lions."

LTP owner Don Jones (pictured left with son and co-owner Tyler), who once employed Suder as a co-owner, took special satisfaction in beating his former partner.

"I guess after the 44 point explosion on Sunday night I could run shit on PP's but I will not say anything like, 'I could have played Gannon and Alexander only and still beat that hapless team,'" Jones said. "I did not allow Tyler to make any comments this week because his pussy father is running away with his division and the second $50 bonus and I do not want him to get caught up in the extra things in this league. I draft, win, win some more, collect my money, and then prepare for the playoffs. I just keep reminding myself that I am one injury away from being just like the 17 teams that are only one game over or below .500. I tried not to hurt any feelings this week. You know I am in the business of building self-esteem, not tearing it down."

The only trade that took place in the All-American Conference involved Kuratko's Punks and Pavelich's Vigilantes. Kuratko dealt RB Eddie George, WR Troy Brown, and cash to Pavelich for RB Fred Taylor.

Newly-acquired WR Brown came up small for Kirk Pavelich and his Midnight Vigilantes, scoring just three points. No matter, the Vigilantes still beat Storm Thomas and the Gargoyles by 67 points, 108-41.

As for the Punks, Kuratko's squad came up a point short in losing 90-89 to Jody Barth and the Blockheads. The win leaves Jody Barth and the Blockheads at 4-5 and right back in the thick of the playoff race. More importantly, the victory also served to rejuvenate Barth's ability to run smack with his fellow owners. Click here to see the most recent Erie League feud between Blockheads GM Jody Barth and Lardass owner Will Van Bibber.

After incurring the wrath of his fellow owners with scathing commentary, Bryan Vince (pictured right) has a reason to smile this morning because his Psychedelic B's broke a three game losing streak and held off the Hostile Omish 98-86. 

"Well it's good to see that some of you guys are still alive," Vince said, seeming to appreciate the storm of comments he brought out in the other owners last week. "Yes my team has struggled the last three weeks and my point outage has sucked. But believe me, my guys are now healthy and when the smoke clears, I will still be standing."

Even better news for Vince was when he learned that Jamie Roush went down to defeat, 100-66 to Lardass -- Stonehenge's second straight loss.

"Man, even with your picture on the Sports Page I still don't know who the hell you are," Vince said. "Hey Stonepenis!  Where is your weak smack talking ass now?  You open your hole and promptly lose two in a row.  And you hope to play me in the playoffs.  Be careful what you wish for!!  I'm just not quite sure what's worse, your low scoring squad or your squeamish attempt to run smack.  You were better off just being an unknown."

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Dear Pile of Dog Shit -- Sorry you weren't in this week when I went into your vacant office and left my calling card on your desk. Your truly unbelievable string of dumb luck, pull it out your ass, fall in a pile of shit and come up smelling roses, blind stupid wins is about to come to an END. Check out the web site to see the line up that will kick your ass. My biggest fear is that this loss will start you on a DOWNWARD spiral that may cause you to become totally despondent and leave the game." Pre-game comments from Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell, before his club went out and lost by 25 points to Sam Profio's Donikers."

"You have got to be kidding me. Give up Martin or Bettis for a QB? That is one of the most ridiculous trade offers I have ever heard. It would have to be Warner I was getting and then I would still hesitate." Cosmic Monsters owner Brad Rzyczycki, responding to an e-mail from Kirk Pavelich as to whether he would be interested in trading a running back for a player like QB Jeff Garcia.

"How come you never get back to me?  Are we going to trade, do you want to trade, what's going on?  I see now I get treated like Vince. One comment about Garcia for Martin or Bettis and now my name is mud." A second e-mail from Rzyczycki when Pavelich fails to respond to the first.

"DJ -- At least I was right about one thing: Tyler has the big advantage in smack talking over daddy. But damn little man, do ya gotta get so personal? True but personal. I'm still pissing blood from that one." Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, responding to what he called below the belt comments from LTP co-owner - the five-year-old Tyler Jones - that Vince's life has been "one clusterfuck after another."

"Going through life with my mentality is sort of tough, but I feel bad for you. It must be very disheartening going through your life with some other dude's penis in your hand. I gotta say one thing though. At least me and my '3rd' grade mentality can run my own fantasy team and I even won a title and a lot of money doing it. How about that!" Vince, responding to last week's comments from Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney when Harney said Vince has been "going through life with a third grade mentality."

BARTH AND VAN BIBBER SQUARE OFF

Van Bibber: "My interest every year is watching Michigan beat Ohio State in just about every sport that counts. Well I also like seeing Michigan State beat Ohio State."

Barth: "Listen here LARDASS: You come into a big and predominantly the best fantasy football league in the country, saying you're going to leave as a champion?!? That is respectable but DO NOT THROW THE 'M' WORD AT ME. I'm sure you live in OHIO, you were probably born in OHIO. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES are #1 in this league. Where does 'M' get their recruits? OHIO! Believe that! I cannot help the fact that during their recruiting visits they throw whores and sluts at the players. So be careful before you end up with your head up your LARDASS."

Van Bibber: "Go ahead and make fun of me for being a Michigan fan. When it all comes down to it, I hope that you will eat shit when they beat the hell out of Ohio State. And this one will probably burn you, I am an Ohio State Graduate student. Oh, and by the way your team really sucks. In the other league that I am in the consolation Championship Game is for the Toilet Bowl Award and you know what? Your team is not even worthy of that type of an award. That would mean that you would have to actually win a game or two. The only type of award you might win is the 'Shittiest Coach Award' for drafting such a terrible team."

Barth: "Lardass, I have never met you nor do I personally care to. As a police officer we are not supposed to profile civilians. I will make an exception in your case. Looking at your mug shot, I see that you are a multi-state offender for having sex with farm animals you freakin' REDNECK. A Tickle Me Elmo hat? How and the hell is anyone going to take you seriously? I know Ohio State taught you better than that. I know that you own a pickup truck with a gun rack in the back window. I know that your dog licks the peanut butter off your balls and that when you go hunting you're not hunting you're looking to pump Bambi in the ass!  My two favorite teams are Ohio State and whoever the fuck beats Michigan. Eat that shit burger Lardass!"

Click here to read the owner profile story on STORM THOMAS

Click here to read the owner profile story on JODY BARTH

Click here to read the owner profile story on BRYAN VINCE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JASON GILLESPIE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOHN THIEM

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOE NUNNEY

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