The Sports Page        

Volume 9, Issue 6         The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League         Oct. 22, 2001

Trade offers lead to trash talk

LTP remains lone undefeated team, wins bonus cash with Gibby's

It all started this past week when Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko offered Eddie George and Terry Glenn to LTP for rookie sensation LaDainian Tomlinson - a deal promptly refused by LTP's Don Jones (pictured right). Kuratko was left fuming, especially when George and Glenn went out and posted a combined 35 points after the proposal was turned down.

"Best of luck, especially to you DJ," Kuratko said at the time. "You are gonna need it this week against the PUNKS!!! I guess that George and Glenn for Tomlinson trade wasn't as bad as you thought. Some of the best trades are the ones not made. Thanks for the easy $50."

In the end, it was LTP that moved to 6-0 and clinched the $50 early-season bonus by virtue of their stunning 72-52 win over the Atomic Punks. The win was stunning considering LTP had stars Rich Gannon, Tim Brown and Shaun Alexander all off because of the bye week. 

"Thank you for the $50," Jones said. "This is drink free since we only pay for drinks with the Fantasy Bowl Winnings. That money is a long ways off - I am only one injury away from my season going the wrong way. I will continue to use my drafted team to make a run at the title. As I was presented a trade of Tomlinson for Glenn and George, I thought, 'I can not PUNK out my player Tomlinson, for a four-week suspended, one-week wonder, and a running back who will not make it through the year because his line is so bad.' Therefore, I guess the BEST trades are the ones NOT MADE!!"

Although Black Diamond and the Masons were the only teams to complete a deal this week, several offers were made in each conference, some of which served to raise the blood pressure of the owners on the receiving end.

"What or who do you think I am," asked Punks GM Kuratko in an e-mail to Gargoyles owner Storm Thomas. "My team is coming off a big performance without McNair, George and (Jimmy) Smith in my lineup and you want me to give you Dillon and Owens for (Lamar) Smith and that stiff Moulds. I don't think so. Don't try to treat me like some new, naive owner that doesn't know you or how you like to F people over. Now I am willing to trade Dillon and possibly one of my receivers for (Lamar) Smith and one of your stiff receivers. I really don't need to do anything and looking at your team, you need to do everything and anything to possibly get to two wins if you're lucky."

California native Thomas received a similar response from Polish Monarchs GM Mike Szydlowski when he offered the same package of Lamar Smith and Eric Moulds for Kurt Warner and Marvin Harrison.

"That is a joke," Szydlowski responded via e-mail. "What ass would say yes to that trade offer? I guess the gay coast is really getting to you."

Several sources believe Jim Damicone and the King Salmons might be Thomas' equal when it comes to outrageous proposals.

"I have now seen that the Gargoyles have relatives," said Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney. "It is obvious that King Salmon has a very poor sense of the value of James Stewart and Jeff Garcia. By him 'allowing' Titlebound Two to have 'the opportunity' to get in on taking the 'jewel' of the vaulted Lions offense, he has shown his worn cards. Storm: Have you been coaching this guy?"

Damicone (pictured left) said: "In response to the dynamic duo from Titlebound Two (soon to be Titlebound Too Bad), if they check the stats (the ability to read required) Garcia has almost outscored Owens and Moss by himself (117 to 114), let alone the fact Steward has another 40+ points himself. Please make sure that this tandem stays in our division in years to come."

Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince thought he might have a solid offer on the table when the King Salmons sent the following e-mail: "Since your team is weak at running back I am willing to help you out. I have a stable of three great running backs (Lamar Smith, Wheatley and James Stewart). I am interested in Holt or Tim Brown."

The only problem with the deal was the fact that the King Salmons had the services of Maurice Smith to offer - Lamar Smith was and still is the property of Titlebound Two.

"First, let me preface my statement by saying that I have the utmost respect for Mr. Damicone, both as a person and a business man," Vince said. "Listen old man, I don't believe that Toiletbound II would appreciate it too much if they knew you were trying to trade me somebody from their squad. I know that each year your birthday cake gets a little brighter and things begin to happen:  you start eating dinner at 1:30 p.m., you go
to bed at 4 p.m. only to lay there and watch re-runs of Gilligan's Island. Now you're forgetting who's on your fantasy team! At least if you were going to try and pull this, you could have offered me Terrell Owens!!  Pav, I think it is final. You can now change our name from the Browns Conference to the Geriatric Ward.

Jason Gillespie and the Gibby's came away with the bonus for the Browns Conference by defeating the King Salmons 85-46. Steve Suder and the PP Brains remained the only winless team in the league because James Thrash needed a 16-point performance on Monday and could only muster 13.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"A win is a win. I wasn't crying about it though. I was pointing out that I have a better team and I am still willing to prove it. I don't care if you want to play head to head every week with a side bet or for the best regular season win/loss record. You can choose how you want to lose and how much you want to lose. Alzheimers? I wonder how many early on-set cases there are in the U.S. not counting yours. You should get your facts straight. Had you taken the bet, we would be 1-1 not 0-2. My week four total was 116 to your 91. You squeaked by me last week 89 to 88 and you will probably beat me this week but then it's over. I like people with a sense of humor, but I have made an exception in your case." Donikers-DTL GM Sam Profio responding to the derogatory comments sent his way last week by Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince.

"I want a new award next year for the best smack talker. Bryan Vince is by far the king." Blockheads owner Jody Barth becoming the first to go on record that the Erie League needs to reward the best trash talker.

"To all inquiring about my 1-4 team: Leave me the fuck alone!" Barth answering the question as to why he has been conspicuously absent from this year's Sports Page quote section.

"As far as running shit at the Punks, I wish them well and hope in the future they do not play anyone who is hurt, sick, or drugged up." LTP owner Don Jones commenting on his victory over Keith Kuratko's Atomic Punks, who ended up playing a man short when WR Terry Glenn pulled up lame for the Patriots.

Click here to read the owner profile story on JASON GILLESPIE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOHN THIEM

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOE NUNNEY

CLICK HERE FOR BACK ISSUES OF THE SPORTS PAGE: