The Sports Page        

Volume 9, Issue 3         The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League         Oct. 1, 2001

Let the smack talking begin

Veterans Vince and Kuratko fire first shots of the season

One minute he is slated to play in the All-American Conference. The next, he gets shipped off to the Browns Conference for failing to send a representative to the draft. Today, he stands as the owner of the highest scoring team this week -- Bryan Vince, GM of the Psychedelic B's, a 106-95 winner over Sam Profio's Donikers-DTL.

"Did Doomed To Lose (DTL) pick his dentures off the floor yet?? The Bs took his weak ass jabs in the early games and just like Bernard Hopkins did to poor Tito, BAM, TKO in the 12th!!!" said Vince (pictured at right). "I hope you got a refund on that Fantasy Camp you attended!"

The B's were led by QB Rich Gannon, who bounced back from a poor Week Three effort to post 26 points this week. Also contributing for Vince's squad: WR Torry Holt (17 points) and newly acquired RB Correll Buckhalter (15 points). The win was just the second in Vince's five career meetings against Profio.

Another outcome that left several owners commenting was the Atomic Punks 98-39 thumping of the Polish Monarchs. The Punks were led by huge performances from WR Jerry Rice (21 points), reserve RB Correll Buckhalter (15 points) and the Oakland defense (19 points). The point explosion places Kuratko's squad on the top of the scoring leaders in the All-American Conference.

"Not only have I caught Ski but I made his team my personal bitch," Kuratko (pictured left) said. "The Punks are treating the Monarchs like a red-headed step-child."

Kuratko's comments came in response to the strong statement made earlier by Szydlowski, who apparently was feeling quite giddy after his 106-point effort in Week Three.

"Catch me if you can," said Szydlowski as he submitted his lineup Sunday morning. "This may be my only tough test of the year."

Vince thought the decision by Szydlowski to bench QB Kurt Warner in favor of Mark Brunell was especially stellar. Warner went on to post a 28 point performance for the Rams while Brunell netted just a single point in the Jaguars loss to the Browns.

*If Ski were any dumber he'd forget that he had to breath to stay alive," Vince said. "My bad Ski, I didn't realize your brain rolled out of your ear again. DUMB ASS!!!!!"

Coming into the weekend, Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell felt quite confident in his match-up with the injury-ravaged Hostile Omish. "Hey Mikey - Let's make this easy. Just mail it in for this week. I'll accept your gimmie," said Bell on the Erie League's discussion page earlier this week. "If it weren't for bad luck you'd have no luck at all. Staley, Taylor and Bledsoe - say it ain't so!!"

But as they say, that's why they play the games. Despite losing top WR Ed McCaffrey in Week One, followed by RB's Fred Taylor and Duce Staley in Week Three, Mike Kuratko's Omish defeated the Bonecrushers 69-61. Said Bell: "Congratulations Omish, Just when things appear darkest, you can count on the Bonecrushers to pull you through." The win was the ninth for Kuratko in 12 career meetings with Bell.

Even though Titlebound Two pulled out a 53-50 win over the King Salmons, it appears dissension is developing between co-owners Brett Harney and J.P. Dougherty.

"After posting only 35 points before Monday Night, J.P. has proven that he is ruining one of the best teams ever to be assemble with the WRs of Owens, Moss, and Harrison," said co-owner Brett Harney. "I have asked him to do a little soul searching and provide me with a complete game plan of how he expects to manage the talent to finish the season with at least 13 victories."

The San Francisco combination of Owens and RB Kevan Barlow combined for 18 points during the Monday Night contest to bring home the victory. However, it still appears there could be trouble on the horizon with the two owners who led the Red Zone to the Great Lakes League title game a year ago.

"It seems Mr. Harney thinks he has some say in Titlebound Two, though his name is unexplainably missing from the check," Dougherty said.

In other action, John Thiem's Masons rolled to a 110-55 win over Brad Rzyczycki's Cosmic Monsters, enabling Thiem to establish the high water mark for points in a game this season. Don Jones' LTP squad, led by rookie sensation LaDainian Tomlinson's 29 points, knocked off Scott Keithley's Rat Bastards 81-70 to remain 3-0. Jason Gillespie and the Gibby's rallied for a 74-59 victory over Jamie Roush's Stonehenge when RB Curtis Martin scored 20 points in the Monday Night contest. The Gibby's are the only other 3-0 team in the league.

THE TRADING POST

Conference - All-American, Team - Atomic Punks, Position - Running Back: Just wanted to let everyone know that the Atomic Punks are putting Eddie George on the trading block and I am willing to listen to any and all offers. The Punks are hoping to do something this week so if you are interested, either send me an offer via e-mail (KURATKO4@aol.com) or feel free to contact me at 330-425-9502. Keith E. Kuratko, Owner and CEO, ATOMIC P UNKS

Conference - Browns, Team - Stonehenge, Position - Quarterback: With the injury to Jamal Anderson, I am in need of some serious help. In light of that, I have a new found interest in trading Kurt Warner?  It would take a big time WR and decent RB or vice versa. Contact at jamali@ameritech.net Thanks -- Jamie Roush, Stonehenge.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Dave, too bad you have to start the year with a loss. Actually you are guaranteed two losses this year since you are in my division (and I mean MY division) and I own you. Grab my belt loop bitch!" Donikers-DTL owner Sam Profio after defeating Dave Bell and the Bonecrushers 104-84 in Week One. The win was Profio's sixth in seven chances against Bell.

"Hey DTL you pile of dogshit. You let that part time Psycho Bee bunch sting your ass. How's it feel to be tied with me Dick Head? If you think it feels bad now, wait till your looking up my ass!!" Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell's response to Profio.

Exchange overheard at the Browns Conference auction, Sept. 8, 2001: Kirk Pavelich - "Hey Dave, have you ever had a team where you didn't draft Rod Smith? Dave Bell - "No! He led my team to a championship!" Bryan Vince - "When was that? The 60's?"

"Listen here LARDASS: You come into a big and predominantly the best fantasy football league in the country, saying you're going to leave as a champion?!? That is respectable but DO NOT THROW THE 'M' WORD AT ME. I'm sure you live in OHIO, you were probably born in OHIO. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES are #1 in this league. Where does 'M' get their recruits? OHIO! Believe that! I cannot help the fact that during their recruiting visits they throw whores and sluts at the players. So be careful before you end up with your head up your LARDASS.  Sincerely BLOCKHEADS." Blockheads GM Jody Barth objecting to the comments in Will Van Bibber's Lardass team page, where Columbus resident Van Bibber said: "My interest every year is watching Michigan beat Ohio State, in just about every sport that counts. Well I also like seeing Michigan State beat Ohio State."

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