The Sports Page        

Volume 9, Issue 14         The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League              Dec. 18, 2001

Four teams remain in the hunt

Top seeded LTP falls to the Masons; defending champs pull off rally

One week after being congratulated by the commissioner as the owner most likely to bring home the title, Don Jones watched as luck ran out on his LTP squad.

Despite winning 12 of their first 13 games, LTP will only play for third place dollars next week after dropping a 106-67 decision to John Thiem (pictured right) and his high flying Masons. The big blow to LTP came mid-week when Seattle head coach Mike Holmgren benched RB Shaun Alexander -- despite his 188 point output this season -- in favor of Ricky Watters. The move left Jones' squad without a running back to compliment star rookie LaDainian Tomlinson.

"Starting Watters over Alexander," asked Jones when he learned of the lineup change. "Holmgren is supposed to be a genius... He can bite my ass."

In a limited role, Alexander managed eight points while Watters -- who had been dropped by LTP back on October 4th -- scored 19 points on the Masons bench. Once again, it was the Minnesota combo of QB Todd Bouman (21 points) and WR Randy Moss (26 points) doing the bulk of the damage for the Masons.

The defending champion Midnight Vigilantes rallied from a 37 point Monday night deficit to shock Jody Barth and the Blockheads, 73-70. The Vigilantes pulled out the victory thanks to solid prime time performances from QB Aaron Brooks (22 points), WR Joe Horn (9 points), and the Rams defense (10 points). RB Ricky Williams let the Blockheads down by adding just six points on Monday night although it was Barth's decision to pull RB Charlie Garner (10 points) in favor of Mike Alstott (3 points) that ultimately cost the team the chance to play in the conference finals.

"I'm drained," said Vigilantes GM Kirk Pavelich (pictured left). "With my daughter being born Monday morning, I was operating on about two hours of sleep when the Rams-Saints game started. However, with calculator in hand, I can always say I witnessed Aaron Brooks' 12-yard pass to Deuce McCallister at 12:37 a.m. that put me in front for good."

Barth had been dedicating the rest of the Blockheads' playoff run to four buddies -- Cosmic Monsters GM Brad Rzyczycki, Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, Atomic Punks GM Keith Kuratko and Captain Tripps GM Matt Rzyczycki -- who were eliminated in the first round.

"It was a bloody Sunday for me," said Barth, after the opening round of the playoffs last week. "I watched my brothers (DEUCE, BRYAN, KEITH, and MATT ) get eliminated. These four will be remembered. I have taken it upon myself to bring home the title in their honor."

Instead, Barth's Blockheads will face Jones and LTP this week in a consolation game that will decide who gets an additional $50 and who will settle for just $25.

The surprising run for the eighth seeded Shadow Bandits and their owner Paul Labonte came to an end this week as Sam Profio (pictured right) and the Donikers prevailed with a 92-67 victory. Thanks to another solid performance by RB Priest Holmes (18 points), the Bandits went into the Monday night contest, tied 67-67 with Profio's club. However, all the Donikers needed was a single point from either RB Marshall Faulk, PK John Carney or the Saints defense. Those three combined for 25 points and propelled Profio to the conference title game for the first time since 1996.

In the other Browns Conference matchup, Jamie Roush and Stonehenge held off Jim Damicone's King Salmons, 56-51. Roush probably watched every second of the Monday night contest considering the Salmons had Saints WR Joe Horn playing in the game. However, Horn fell six points shy of the necessary 15 points, sending Stonehenge into the conference finals.

After losing four of five to close the regular season, Roush's club has now been victorious two straight weeks -- despite averaging just 67 points during the playoffs.

"Fantasy Bowl Bound," exclaimed Roush (pictured left). "What a joke with my crappy team!"

The 2001 Consolation Bowl will be a matchup of Storm Thomas and the Gargoyles (6-8) facing Dave Bell and the Bonecrushers (5-9). Thomas' club advanced after spanking Joe Nunney and Black Diamond, 87-68. Bell's squad has now averaged 108.5 points per game in the post-season after hammering Mike Kuratko and the Hostile Omish, 120-74.

Nunney's fantasy trip through the playoffs also came to an abrupt halt, as his Black Diamond club dropped a 106-68 decision to the Masons. 

"Congrats to all playoff winners except LTP," said Nunney, before the start of this weekend's games. "Sure, I came up 14 points short of the playoffs but it is truly a black eye for the league when the top seed loses to a non-playoff team in a grudge match. It now seems that those rumors about DJ tanking games to avoid me in the first round may have been true. My grudge match dominance proves that he DID have reason to be afraid. His comments about me drafting Vince's team are simply the ramblings of irrationality. My starting lineup featured seven of eight players acquired AFTER draft day. Maybe he should clue in a little bit."

Blockheads GM Jody Barth, never one to take kindly to non-playoff owners running their mouths, had plenty to say in return.

"Black Diamond -- aka OPIE," Barth said. "Why am I still hearing from you when you did not even make the playoffs? And no I am not Aunt Bee your BITCH! You are done. Go coach basketball or teach at Solon. Shit! You do!"

Despite losing the grudge match last week and his playoff game this week, Jones still had time to issue another challenge to Nunney.

"What is with Joe and his moral victories," asked Jones. "Is he going to spend his entire life playing and coaching in games that have no real meaning? I will end the year with just about my same line up as I started because on draft day I was prepared. I hope next year he gets in the fantasy baseball league so these petty 'I'm looking for a moral victory' games can end." 

"I hope someone cannot be at the draft next year," Jones added. "That way Nunney can fill in and pick a pretty good team. Because he has proven when he drafts for himself he sucks. Someday he just might play for all the marbles. Maybe in the meantime we should start a league for the beginners."

2001 Conference Finals

All-American Conference Browns Conference
#2 Midnight Vigilantes (10-4, 1,278 points) vs. #5 Masons (9-5, 1,276 points) #4 Donikers-DTL (9-5, 1,214 points) vs. Stonehenge (8-6, 1,045 points)

Third Place Consolation Games

All-American Conference Browns Conference
#1 LTP (12-2, 1,222 points) 

vs. #3 Blockheads (8-6, 1,086 points)

#6 King Salmons (8-6, 978 points)

vs. #8 Shadow Bandits (6-8, 1,080 points)

2001 Consolation Bowl Tournament

#2 Gargoyles (6-8, 984 points) vs. #4 Bonecrushers (5-9, 1,235 points)

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"The only saving grace would be that the meter maid already lost." Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, despite losing to the eighth seeded Shadow Bandits, took consolation in the fact that the Psychedelic B's and their GM Bryan Vince were also upset in the first round.

"I do not want to hear from you either. Go poke your dog Porter or go hunting. Do something. Paint the trailer home scarlet and gray." Blockheads GM Jody Barth's advice to Lardass owner Will Van Bibber, whose squad was upset in the first round by Stonehenge.

"Please will someone step up from the other division and eliminate the SHADOW BANDITS AND KING SALMONS!! These two are co-conspirators. Hell, I don't even know what conspirator means but it sounded good. Please, for those who eliminate the two wanna be's, I will buy you both a pitcher of beer at the beer-fest banquet." Barth again, offering a post-season banquet bonus to the Browns Conference owners who manage to eliminate Paul Labonte's Shadow Bandits and Jim Damicone's King Salmons.  Everyone should take note that Barth now owes a pitcher of beer to both Sam Profio and Jamie Roush.

"The media blackout on Toilet Bowl competitors is about as worthless as the BCS rankings." Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas, complaining about commissioner Kirk Pavelich's decision to wait until the Consolation Bowl final to publish a game preview story.

"That's right, you're worried about LTP. I saw and read the jinx and sabotage of LTP in the Sports Page. You're looking ahead. As the old phrase goes 'take one game at a time.' You did not, now you will feel the wrath of the nice ass posted on the 'parting shots' Sports Page. Please review that ass because you will not forget it again." Blockheads owner Jody Barth, commenting on his belief that commissioner Kirk Pavelich wasted a jinx in last week's Sports Page when he predicted LTP and their GM Don Jones would win this year's Fantasy Bowl.

"Jody, you should have wiped your ass before you showed it to all of us." LTP owner Don Jones, responding to Jody Barth's full-moon shot two weeks ago.

"You are a machine. Give that woman a break. You can fool around without making kids you know." Donikers-DTL GM Sam Profio, responding to the news that Kirk Pavelich's wife Julie gave birth to the couple's second daughter - Rebecca Joyce - on Dec. 17th. 

"Pav: I want a timestamp on his lineup for the QB. I do not want him watching the kickoff and then making his decision on who to start." The transcript of an e-mail received Friday afternoon from LTP owner Don Jones.

"Turns out I could have started Culpepper. Time stamp that!" The response to the above email by Masons GM John Thiem. If the Masons had started the inactive Daunte Culpepper, they still would have defeated LTP, 85-67.

"Storm is correct. 'Overachievers.' However, it took the dumbass genius to end LTP's season. But at least I was playing for something after week 10. Yes, I know that Storm is playing in the 'I suck so therefore let's have another playoff' championship game, but I personally would rather have taken a shot at the big time than play in the LOSER's Tournament. Please take a page out of Bud Selig's book and use contraction to get rid of the Rat Bastards and the PP Brains. Then again, who would that leave for Storm to beat?" LTP GM Don Jones, responding to previous comments from Gargoyles owner Storm Thomas -- a participant in this week's Consolation Title Game -- that LTP is a "team of overachievers."

"Every week when I call Pav for transactions I feel like I am talking to Kirk 'Don King' Pavelich. There was not one week that went by that he was not trying to stir some words up between a few of us." Jones, commenting on his belief that commissioner Pavelich was a big reason so much smack talk took place this year.

"I have a question. As you know, I am new to the league and I am not sure about various league traditions.  However, when the B's have gotten bounced in the first round in years past, does Vince continue to run his mouth while watching the other teams play? Or does he finally shut it down and wait for next year?" The transcript of an e-mail received this week from Stonehenge GM Jamie Roush, inquiring as to the proper protocol when a smack-talking owner gets eliminated in the first round of the playoffs.

"I agree with Vinny. Yes he was the best smack talker of the year but he should have been given the PROPS for how well his team was playing at the end of the year. Sometimes we all misunderstand Vinny's sensitive side. He cares, he listens, he is concerned with others feelings, he puts great thought into his lineup each week.  Let's all forget the stupid ass things he said all year and appreciate the good fantasy player he is." Jones again, commenting on Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince's "lack of respect" tirade in last week's Sports Page.

"Just a note for Nunney, Storm, and Suder: Tyler will be more than happy to rent his drafting services to you guys next year. He will only charge you $10. And for you guys, that would be the best $10 you have spent in a long time." Jones, offering the drafting services of his five-year-old son Tyler to three Erie Leaguers who struggled through the 2001 season.

Click here to read the feature story -- ERIE OWNERS FIRE PARTING SHOTS

Click here to read the owner profile story on KEITH KURATKO

Click here to read the feature story on THE EVOLUTION OF SMACK TALKING

Click here to read the owner profile story on STORM THOMAS

Click here to read the owner profile story on JODY BARTH

Click here to read the owner profile story on BRYAN VINCE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JASON GILLESPIE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOHN THIEM

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOE NUNNEY

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