The Sports Page        

Playoff picture comes into focus

Little talking takes place as owners jockey for post-season position

After weeks of running smack, Sports Page regulars such as LTP GM Don Jones, Lardass owner Will Van Bibber, and Blockheads front man Jody Barth were very quiet this week, apparently deciding that they were going to let their teams speak for them.

In the All-American Conference, Don Jones and LTP improved to 10-1 after their convincing 99-67 victory over Captain Tripps. John Thiem and the Masons rallied again thanks to the prime time performances of QB Daunte Culpepper and WR Randy Moss to upend the Gargoyles 83-80 and gain part of a three way share for first in the All-American White Division. Even though the loss dropped his team to a dismal 3-8 and four games off the pace in the division, Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas -- as usual -- had plenty to say.

"Jones needs to shut his trap and not bring any type of scrutiny to his team," said Thomas (pictured right). "Hell, anyone in the league might be 10-1 if they had six games against the powder puffs in his division. The sad thing is that his only
loss was handed to him by me. If there was still time I would have a fire sale in his honor." 

Led by free agent QB pickup Alex Van Pelt's 24 point performance, Keith Kuratko's Atomic Punks ended their two game skid by dropping the Rat Bastards 75-60. Thomas, apparently trying to make up for all of the weeks he has remained quiet this year, once again offered his thoughts. 

"I hate to say it but Keith has been a decent guy this year," Thomas said. "In retrospect, he offered me some trades that I should have taken. It was probably just a bait and switch move though. I still don't think you can trust the guy -- his mission is to fuck you over." 

In the Browns Conference, the Long Shots upended the Bonecrushers 99-67, effectively ending Dave Bell's chances at qualifying for the post-season. Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas was quick to point out that the Bonecrushers would be the second Bell-drafted team this year to be on the outside looking in come playoff time.

"I appreciate Dave Bell (pictured left) helping me out this year and I respect the elder statesman of the league," Thomas said, referring to Bell's decision to stand in and select the Gargoyles franchise back in August. "However, next year if I can't get back (to the auction) and he is the only candidate for drafting my team, I am going to sit out. Bell will never win a championship in this league."

In other games, John Blust and the Dirty Pigs ended a four game slide by dropping the Hostile Omish 84-68. Groza Division-leading Lardass won their fifth straight and clinched the division title by holding off the King Salmons 68-52.

In a crucial must-win game, Brad Rzyczycki's Cosmic Monsters rallied from an eight point deficit to upend the 1-10 PP Brains, 94-86. In another critical game, Joe Nunney and Black Diamond couldn't climb out of a 29 point hole to Jody Barth and the Blockheads and ended up losing by a final count of 76-59. Not only does the loss seriously damage Black Diamond's chances at the post-season, but it might leave Nunney second guessing himself all off-season, as he left 43 points on the bench in WR Chris Chambers and RB Stacey Mack.

Kirk Pavelich's Midnight Vigilantes rebounded from last week's heartbreaking loss to the Masons to defeat Mike Szydlowski and the Polish Monarchs, 103-85. The Vigilantes win leaves them in a three-way tie for first with the Masons and Monarchs and sets up a rematch with Thiem's Masons next week to decide the division championship.

In the Browns Conference, Bryan Vince and the Psychedelic Bs pulled themselves out of a 24 point Monday Night hole to shock Jason Gillespie and the Gibby's, 89-87. With a split of the season series against the Gibby's and a one game lead in the record within the division, Vince's B's are now in the driver's seat for the Browns Conference's Brown Division title.

The battle among the top two in the Graham Division came down to Monday Night as 1st place Titlebound Two held off the 2nd place Donikers-DTL, 84-61 to clinch the division crown. 

CURRENT PLAYOFF PICTURE

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Other than I am quite sure the man is gay, I have nothing to say about him......." Gibby's GM Jason Gillespie, responding to the questionnaire requesting comments for the Keith Kuratko feature story.

"We have done our research. Obviously, since this is our first year in the league we can only comment on what we know and what we can research. It appears that the 'once dominant' Atomic Punks have basically not done anything but try and grow a bad goatee since he won the Fantasy Bowl Title in 1990. While, the overall record is strong, it goes back to Jimmy Johnson's philosophy on kickers -- what have you done for me lately?  I mean hell, even the meter maid Psycho B's has a title, so what value does that really bring (note to Bryan - this means you suck!)" Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, responding to the questionnaire requesting comments for the Keith Kuratko feature story.

"In his first years in the league he was, as they say, 'Young, dumb, and full of cum.' All full of piss and vinegar, smack talking with the best of them. Now, he seems like he has graduated from the Don Jones 'my nuts are in a jar' school. Just one question Keith: is that jar still in your room at your parent's house?" Psychedelic B's GM Bryan Vince, responding to the questionnaire requesting comments for the Keith Kuratko feature story.

"First of all, that feeble attempt at smack could not have been any further from the truth. There is not an owner in the league, especially an owner who was in first place, that would trade his franchise player. Wait a minute, that one owner did. What the hell is his name?? Never mind, maybe it will come to me tonight when my better half is rubbing my 'STONEhenge' 8====>. You were sort of correct in one sense. If I were ever to become a 'switch hitter' and play for the 'pink' team, you two flamers would be my first call. I mean, why not get an expert's opinion on how to give another male the 'world's perfect blowjob!!'" Vince again, responding to last week's comments by Titlebound Two co-owner J.P. Dougherty in which Dougherty hinted that Vince has homosexual tendencies and likes to "spruce things up" while making trade offers.

"I just want to send out a belated Happy Thanksgiving to the Kahuna family. There is not another household in the country that gets more excited about a single holiday. But, Big Guy, when your wife said to check the turkey, I don't believe she meant with 'that' meat thermometer." Vince's personal holiday greeting to PP Brains owner Steve Suder and family.

"What the hell has been stuck up Vince's ass all year?  Someone needs to put a muzzle on that guy. Shut up and play Vince. After all these years, I still can't figure out what the 'B' stands for. Buffoon maybe?" Gargoyles GM Storm Thomas, a long-time talker of trash, shocking the world by stating his opinion that Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince has talked too much this year.

"Harney is like fools gold -- he looks like the real thing but he's not. He is hiding behind his partner. He is foolish if he thinks he is going to win a championship this year." Thomas again, taking shots at Titlebound Two co-owner Brett Harney, the man who was forced to pay for the dreadful Gargoyles after losing a fantasy baseball bet.

"The Bonecrushers would be 8-3 over there in the junior circuit." Dave Bell, owner of the 3-8 Bonecrushers, expressing the opinion that his lowly record is a reflection of how tough the Browns Conference is compared to the All-American.

"My brother Mike has been in the league now for around 10 years and there have been accusations through the years that I have had two teams in the league. That is totally bullshit. My brother has always run his own team." Keith Kuratko, Atomic Punks GM, responding to a comment in last week's Evolution of Smack Talking article in which Cosmic Monsters owner Brad Rzyczycki hinted that Keith's brother Mike doesn't really run the Hostile Omish franchise.

"I'm sweating it out over here. I'm sweating it out. Without a computer I'm calling to see if I can get an update but you're not home. Can you believe Chris Chambers caught two touchdown passes in the last five minutes? A hundred yards and two touchdowns he had today! I'm dying over here.  Flat out dying watching Charlie Garner run roughshod through the Giants defense. It's shocking and dismaying. Not to mention Jacksonville is at the end of the third quarter and they have no scores. Hollis couldn't even kick a field goal for me.  This is a nightmare." The transcript of the Sunday evening message left by Black Diamond GM Joe Nunney on Commissioner Kirk Pavelich's voicemail.

Click here to read the owner profile story on KEITH KURATKO

Click here to read the feature story on THE EVOLUTION OF SMACK TALKING

Click here to read the owner profile story on STORM THOMAS

Click here to read the owner profile story on JODY BARTH

Click here to read the owner profile story on BRYAN VINCE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JASON GILLESPIE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOHN THIEM

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOE NUNNEY

CLICK HERE FOR BACK ISSUES OF THE SPORTS PAGE:

• Trash talking develops a rivalry (November 20, 2001)

• Trade deadline passes with several owners deciding to stand pat (November 13, 2001)

• GM's come out of the woodwork to answer Vince's trash talking (November 6, 2001)

• Start of second half not kind to Jones and LTP (October 29, 2001)

• Trade offers lead to trash talk (October 22, 2001)

• Browns Conference reigns supreme (October 15, 2001)

• Interleague Play - Round Three Preview (October 8, 2001)

• Veterans Vince and Kuratko fire first shots of the season (October 1, 2001)

• Atomic Punks, Black Diamond jump to All-American Conference (August 11, 2001)

• Erie League set to kick off 12th season (July 8, 2001)