The Sports Page        

Volume 9, Issue 10         The On-Line Newsletter of the Erie Fantasy Football League              Nov. 20, 2001

Trash talking develops a rivalry

Barth, Van Bibber trade barbs; both squads continue hot streak

The two hottest teams in the league continue to be the Blockheads and Lardass, both of whom are now 4-0 in the second half after convincing wins this week. Better yet is the fact that Blockheads GM Jody Barth (pictured right) and Lardass owner Will Van Bibber have developed quite a feud with their recent war of words. Barth's Blockheads defeated Scott Keithley's Rat Bastards 99-55 while Van Bibber's Lardass club held off Paul Labonte's hard-charging Shadow Bandits, 110-107.

Last week, police officer Barth helped ignite the rivalry with the following comments: "Looking at your mug shot, I see that you are a multi-state offender for having sex with farm animals you freakin' REDNECK. I know that you own a pickup truck with a gun rack in the back window. I know that your dog licks the peanut butter off your balls and that when you go hunting you're not hunting you're looking to pump Bambi in the ass!"

This week, Van Bibber took the opportunity to fire a few shots of his own.

"You cops are all alike -- full of shit," said Van Bibber (pictured left). "All you are trying to do is draw attention away from your shitty team and put all the lime light on my team. Thank you for noticing that my team is just that good. We are both 4-0 after the midway point, and both of our teams will make the playoffs. The difference between my team and yours is that mine will make the real playoffs and yours will go right back to the old porcelain throne playoffs."

"The pickup, you are correct somewhat," he added. "Down here in Columbus, we call them TAHOE's, no gun rack. That is formed from two words, TA meaning "my" and HOE meaning "bitch." See, even auto manufacturers have a sense of humor because they even named a car after you and I bought one especially because of it. You know what that means -- that's correct you're my bitch. 

In other games, Don Jones and his LTP squad continue to be the top team in either league as they hammered Brad Rzyczycki's fading Cosmic Monsters 114-79. Rather than run smack on an owner like Rzyczycki, whom Jones said he has always had respect for, he took the opportunity to kick another while he's down.

"I am so sensitive to Storm's needs, I won't mention how fucking bad his team really is," Jones said. "The highlight of his last two seasons? Was it beating me?? I am glad that I can give him a reason to waste his money. He has gotten so bad that he doesn't even draft his own team anymore. I am so sensitive that I every time I get a pimple on my ass, I can feel Storm."

The Gargoyles, who are now 3-7 and have dropped three straight after Week Eight's 100-52 win over LTP, lost to the Polish Monarchs, 92-48. 

Last season, John Thiem's Masons pulled off one of the great comebacks of all-time when he scored 35 points on Monday Night to erase a 105-86 deficit and defeat Kodiak 140-121. This week, lightning struck again as Thiem's club rallied from a 52 point hole to stun Kirk Pavelich's Midnight Vigilantes. In what will go down as the biggest turnaround in Erie League history, the Masons scored 79 Monday Night points (Moss 36, Culpepper 27, Barber 16) to pull out the 130-100 win.

Sam Profio's Donikers-DTL followed up last week's big win over the Bonecrushers with a 92-60 victory over Bill Long and the Long Shots. Profio (pictured right), however, was still relishing in last week's triumph over long-time nemesis Dave Bell.

"I feel I must respond to the Bonecrushers unsolicited (Bryan, this means I didn't ask for it.) and groundless (Bryan, this means he can't prove it) attack on my integrity (Bryan, this means that I am a standup guy.)" Profio said. "However, I just can't bring myself to pain him any further after yet another defeat by the dominating Donikers. I have owned him for so long, my belt loop has a sign on it that says: RESERVED FOR THE BONECRUSHING BELT LOOP BITCHES."

The Psychedelic B's knocked off John Blust's Dirty Pigs 104-59 to also close to within a game of the division-leading Gibby's. B's owner Vince, normally one to break down a fellow owner's self-esteem, instead sought to offer support to the struggling Pigs.

"Don't worry Pigs," said Vince (pictured left). "A lot of new owners have a rough first year and then bounce back to own the league. For example, look at the Shadow Bandits. (4-6 this year, 57-78 career). Well, maybe not. You can always look to the PP Brains (1-9 this year, 13-25 career) or the Rat Bastards (2-8 this year, 3-20 career). Oh, never mind. Who's up for contraction?"

Look out now but Joe Nunney and his Black Diamond squad have won again, this time over Keith Kuratko's Atomic Punks - who have dropped two straight - by a score of 116-76. Nunney is currently tied for the 8th and final playoff spot in the All-American Conference with the Cosmic Monsters.

Steve Suder's PP Brains, who had leads up until the Sunday night game each of the past three weeks, finally ended his nine game losing streak by upsetting Matt Rzyczycki and Captain Tripps, 60-52.

"Kahuna: Don't make me call your boss over at the Animal Control Agency and complain," Vince said. "You are getting way too close to winning games and that can mean only one thing -- a lot of raccoons and possums are not getting their monthly rectal exams. Keep your mind on your job, not fantasy football."

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"Two final comments. First, I thought that Jody was the name of a girl. Oh, that's right, I forgot you are one of those iffy cops that like to do full body cavity searches because that is the only play you can get because the last piece of ass you got was when your finger broke through the toilet paper this morning. Second, simply GO MICHIGAN!" More comments from Lardass GM Will Van Bibber, directed toward Blockheads owner Jody Barth.

"I can't figure out this feud between the Blockheads and Lardass. To me, it looks like Barth and Van Bibber could be brothers." Commissioner Kirk Pavelich, commenting on the recent war of words between Jody Barth's Blockheads and Will Van Bibber's Lardass club.

"There has to be some sort of parental control in these owners' bios. The thought of Profo-lactic having sex gave me the nasty image of two raisins rubbing together. Ahhhh! I need a shower!" Psychedelic B's owner Bryan Vince, responding to Donikers GM Sam Profio's personal bio in which Profio stated "Football with beer is life. Football with beer during sex is the afterlife!"

"Dear Dogshit: Well congratulations on your big win.You fucking did it to me again. It's just fucking unbelievable. You put in a rookie running back who just happens to have a career night against the probable Super Bowl representative from the AFC. Even you must know how absolutely fucking blind you are. You should sell everything, move to Vegas and put it all on the table.You will surpass Bill Gates as the world's wealthiest man in no time. Do it. Go now, before you reach in the hat and find the rabbit is gone!" Bonecrushers GM Dave Bell, who still can't believe his team blew a big lead and lost to Profio's Donikers 112-96 last week.

"I need to put this out there. I wasn't going to say anything but I feel that I must. The day before the trade deadline I got a call from Bryan Vince. He talked about making a trade. Here is what he offered: Rich Gannon, Warrick Done and the world's best blowjob for Terrell Owens. He said that he liked to 'Spruce things Up' while doing trades. I guess a couple of years ago back in 96 when his B's won it all, Vince told me his ass was sore for months after the championship. He said he made so many deals in order to 'Get the best team' and that sacrifices had to be made!" Titlebound Two co-owner J.P. Dougherty, responding to last week's comments by Vince that it must be disheartening to go through life "with some other dude's penis in your hand."

"OK chief, this is my first year in the league, but I suggest you become familiar with who the hell I am because I am going to kick your ass in the playoffs. As I said last weak, if you make it. I see you beat another stellar opponent with a winning record. Oh, my bad, he has a losing record too! You seem to have a knack for beating the weaker teams. The problem with you is that you don't know when to shut your mouth! I hope the rest of the league wears boots for the rest of the season because you're full of shit -- just like your team. Shut up and play!" Stonehenge owner Jamie Roush, whose club has fallen on hard times and lost three straight, responding to Vince's comments last week, when the B's GM said "I'm just not quite sure what's worse, your low scoring squad or your squeamish attempt to run smack.  You were better off just being an unknown."

"OK chief, this is my first year in the league, but I suggest you become familiar with who the hell I am because I am going to kick your ass in the playoffs. As I said last weak, if you make it. I see you beat another stellar opponent with a winning record. Oh, my bad, he has a losing record too! You seem to have a knack for beating the weaker teams. The problem with you is that you don't know when to shut your mouth! I hope the rest of the league wears boots for the rest of the season because you're full of shit -- just like your team. Shut up and play!" Stonehenge owner Jamie Roush, whose club has fallen on hard times and lost three straight, responding to Vince's comments last week, when the B's GM said "I'm just not quite sure what's worse, your low scoring squad or your squeamish attempt to run smack.  You were better off just being an unknown."

"Stonesuck: League entry fee $100. Transactions and trades $15. Trading away your franchise quarterback and screwing up your entire season: PRICELESS!! Hey Stonebrain, it's not all bad though. Now I won't say 'Who?' in reference to you. You are now known as 'The idiot who traded away Kurt Warner for a jock strap and a blocking dummy.'" B's GM Vince, pointing out that Roush and Stonehenge's recent bad luck corresponds with the late October trade that sent QB Kurt Warner and TE Bubba Franks to Titlebound Two for QB Jay Fiedler and RB Lamar Smith.

Click here to read the feature story on THE EVOLUTION OF SMACK TALKING

Click here to read the owner profile story on STORM THOMAS

Click here to read the owner profile story on JODY BARTH

Click here to read the owner profile story on BRYAN VINCE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JASON GILLESPIE

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOHN THIEM

Click here to read the owner profile story on JOE NUNNEY

CLICK HERE FOR BACK ISSUES OF THE SPORTS PAGE: